Self-Made Mom

I’ve had some close encounters of the working kind in the past week. Remarkably, since I left my job, I’ve had little to do with my former coworkers. It’s not out of spite or anything. (Although I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate me calling them at 1 pm while they’re at their computers and I’ve just finished watching an episode of Top Chef).  It’s just that I’m being lazy about the whole “networking to get back in the workforce someday thing” and I have no urge to really know what I left behind me.  I wish I could say that I miss work, but I don’t, actually. So while I like to hear from my old friends, I don’t have that morbid curiosity about me wondering, “are they getting by without me?” Because I’m sure they are.

However, in the last week, I’ve gotten some pokes from my former colleagues and work associates.  My old team took me out to a very nice “going away” afternoon tea where I gorged myself on scrumptuous handmade scones and shrimp sandwiches until my stomach hurt. (Cut me some slack. Most of my lunches these days consist of french fries and an occasional crust of grilled cheese.)  My colleague even asked me before our get together if I was excited to bust out some of my old corporate wardrobe again. Like I all I wear are Uggs and leggings all day every day. Please.  It was actually somewhat entertaining to put on a shirt that buttons, pants that aren’t made of denim and have somewhere to be with adults at 3 pm, but by 5 o’clock, I was relieved to go home, take off my thong underwear (I have little problem with panty lines while I’m at home) and slip on my momiform.

I mean, after we discussed gossiped about all our old clients, what was I supposed to talk about? My “blog” which is so “cute?” My son, who’s growing up faster than I care to believe? My coworkers are childless and I’m not sure they were that interested in the latest potty training techniques. Plus, it’s not like I’ve been very good at keeping up with marketplace trends; I’ve let my “work” magazine subscriptions all but completely lapse in the three months since I stepped out the door.

This lack of interest in the working world wasn’t just obvious over Darjeeling and jam. I’ve had other work-related avoidances as well.  For example, I turned down a good freelancing opportunity last week. I blew off a former colleague who wanted me to speak to his class. I’m even bailing on a “how to be a better freelancer” seminar this week that I’m supposed to go to with my new friend and learn how to market myself better.  Freelancing lesson #1: don’t bail on popular blog friend for night at home. (Truth be told I am staying at home to prepare for a vacation later this week, but my former gunner self wouldn’t let a silly thing like vacation get in the way of some good networking.)

I’m sure somewhere out there Leslie Bennetts is signing Hail Marys praying for my working mom salvation. I’m a serious ”keeping myself in the mix” flunkie. I’m a career-path dropout.  Hell, I’m not keeping that “key contacts” roster alive. You know, the one I’m supposed to keep so that if in six months I’m going ballistic with a temper-tantrum-throwing-toddler and I want to go back to work it will be seamless.  On paper, I’m setting myself up for complete failure. But I’m keeping hope alive that the way everyone else judges what moms do when they stop working will somehow change if and when I decide to ever be a “working” mom again.

That just being me doing what I want to do when I want to do it will be enough. I’m not giving into the career Grim Reaper yet.

It seems to have reared its ugly head all over the internet and blogosphere again. I’m all for ending the Mommy Wars, but I’m also all for people articulating their feelings and points of view on the topic. To get a sense of how heated this debate still is, you should all check out the interesting discussions on these two blog posts:

• Work It Mom! is currently featuring an article by Leslie Bennetts, author of The Feminine Mistake (which I wrote about way back when), that has set off a firestorm of comments and a response by the site’s founder, Nataly. I personally think Ms. Bennetts probably has some nuggets of wisdom in her writing, but found her article a bit off-putting.  I think it’s absurd to quantify or generalize the term “happiness” and that we all have to define it for ourselves as mothers and women and people, not by whether or not we work or not.  I also applaud Nataly for putting different opinions on her site.  We’re all not always going to agree with one another and that’s what is great about the internet and its various communities. Just don’t let it get too personal, people.
• Speaking of personal attacks, Stephanie, a.k.a. Lawyer Mama, is taking some serious heat for a blog post she wrote last week about the scheduling of her son’s friend’s birthday party during a weekday time when she’s at work.  The ensuing debate and discussion underscore how mothers really judge each other. (You’ll notice I’m not participating in such debate, because I won’t opine either way! I am allowed to take a neutral stand on the internets, right?)
• And to round it all off, Chicago Crain’s Business published an article this week featuring a few moms’ stories about working vs. staying at home. It doesn’t cover any new territory, but any article that has a headline, “Great friends –until they had kids,” is always going to get me. The mommy wars are so much more fun with a sensational!! headline!!

Ok, I’m off to eat bon bons and watch Oprah re-runs, because, well, you know, that’s all us SAHMs do anyway…

Tags: mommy wars, Leslie Bennetts, Work It! Mom, DC Metro Moms

I don’t like to talk too much about my family here, but I’m so proud of my mom that I think her recent comeback is worth a post.  See, my mom spent the better part of mine and my brother’s childhood working at home. She dabbled with her art, but turned down a job at Walt Disney animating cartoons because she wanted to settle down and raise a family.  She didn’t completely ignore her artistic calling, however, and started her own greeting card company out of our basement.  I remember vividly the piles and piles of mimeographed (before Xerox!) cards sitting in our basement waiting to be shipped to buyers.  She was talented, motivated, and folks, she’s SERIOUSLY FUNNY.

When she shuttered the doors to her card business in the late 1980s, I think she believed she may never return to her passion: making people laugh.  Yes, she still worked, owning a Southwestern-style art gallery, but there’s not much humor to be had in Navajo rugs.  But she always kept at her humor, tweaking it over the years.  The “hey Sara you’re 13 now humor book.” (It’s SOOO funny when you’re mom makes fun of your frizzy bangs. Ha ha.)  The witty one-liners she would come up with while we vacationed. To her, everything’s humorous, which can make childbirth and being a new mom much easier.

This year she realized that it was time to get back in the game. To start doing what she loves and knows best.  So she built a website and resurrected her defunct greeting card business.  Her humor has stood the test of time and I hope her newest endeavour is wildly successful.  She deserves it after raising my brother and I. It’s proof to me that anything’s possible at any time.  I love you, mom.

No go on and order one of her hilarious greeting cards at http://sendsomehumor.com (that’s for my mom and her non-web savvy friends.) Stat!

I see my immediate family regularly. Like every three weeks regularly.  However, I see our extended family way less often.  Like once a year often.  What brings us together are those typical family events like weddings, showers, funerals (the worst kind of events), you know, those events where your saving grace is having a full glass of wine in hand so that you can knock a few swigs back before your aunt-in-law quizzes you on your breastfeeding skills.

Trust me, I love our family. I do. But sometimes when we get together I feel like I’m enduring the Spanish Inquisition of motherhood.

Take last night, for instance when the whole family came to town for the second cousin’s bat mitzvah.  It was a lovely affair which took place in a Unitarian Church (no, I had never been to a bat mitzvah in a church either) with a guitar-playing rabbi.  I didn’t realize how much better Hebrew songs sound with a little C-chord thrown in.  Really.  Even though the church didn’t have the heat on, my feet were freezing in my fabulous Tory Burch high-heeled boots, and I was starving (I didn’t mean to eat the candy at the end of the service that was meant to be thrown at the bat mitzvah girl), I felt warm and fuzzy after the bat mitzvah’s wonderful performance. Post-candy gorging, I was looking forward to celebrating a young girls’ rite of passage into womanhood after the service.

Until I got to the dinner wherein the inquisition from my working mom cousins-in-law began.

“So, how is it not working? Is it horrible? Are you miserable? Do you feel like pulling your hair out?”

I hadn’t even had half a glass of wine yet.

“Uh, well I actually am really enjoying it.”

“Really? I couldn’t do it. I have the greatest job, I work from home, my son’s in a day care and I work for myself - it’s great. I love my work.”

How do you respond to that?

I immediately got defensive.

“Well, I’m doing some freelance writing, and it’s not like I’m going to be an SAHM forever. I’ll probably go back to work one day.  Sounds like you have a great situation that works. My situation stopped working for me and I wasn’t happy.”

Of course most part of that was true.  But what if I had tweaked my response just a little bit to say, “I just wanted to stay home to be with my son.”

It should be that simple. I should be able to confidently say to my family, “I just don’t want to work. Right now and maybe forever.” Instead, I started to sweat and cringe and talk up my meager writing gigs just to fit in with my cousins who are more career-oriented than I probably will ever be.

On the way home from the dinner, I discussed this issue with my famous psychoanalyst stepfather-in-law. Dr. Dale understands what makes people tick an why they say the things they do.  And we came to, what I think is an interesting perspective on the topic of why women judge each other and get highly opinionated on the issue of working or staying at home. 

As a mom, you do what you do because it makes sense for you and your family. Not because your neighbor thinks it’s cool that you met Oprah one day on the job.  You do it because it works for you and nobody else.  And you can’t generalize those feelings to others. So of course if you like your job, you have a flexible schedule and your son is happy in day care, you can’t even remotely imagine what it would be like to stay at home every day and attend gymnastics classes with your two-year-old. Or maybe that’s just my cousin-in-law.  Or maybe our theory is whack.  But believing in that sure beats the alternative, which would include for me a sleepless night ruminating over why I threw away a successful career to play with Lego steam shovels.

What’s interesting now, is that now, six weeks removed from the job, I can’t get away from the conversation.  I’m slowly realizing that this conversation will probably be a part of who I am and will be for a very long time. I also realize that 1) perhaps the inquisition approach to asking how I’m doing staying at home now isn’t the best approach  since it’s so new and fresh still and 2) a second glass of wine may have helped me craft a wittier response. 

I’ll have to remember to ask the waiter for an extra glass of Pinot the next time I sit down for a family dinner.  

It’s always fun to see how celebrities are quoted about how they handle motherhood and work.  So when I came across this story in USA Today I couldn’t resist quoting yet the newest working mom on the block - Julianna Margulies, who’s starring in a new show, Canterbury’s Law, this Monday night. In the series, she plays a ball-buster lawyer. In real life, she’s mom to six-week-old Kieran.  I’m sure she was asked the obligatory, “how did you handle pregnancy and working?” question, which elicited this response:

I got pregnant by surprise at the end of April, and in May, we found out we were picked up. I don’t want to be the working mother. We’ve seen it a million times. How do you juggle? And it is impossibly difficult, as I’m now finding out.

Furthermore, she was against writing her pregnancy into the show. Most times I find it irritating when celebrities wax poetic or give unrealistic advice about the beauty of working and raising their children on movie sets or whatever.  So, thanks Julianna for keeping it real. It is impossible to juggle.

Tags: Julianna Marguiles, working moms, celebrity moms, Canterbury’s Law

I just finished watching the premiere episode of TLC’s new show, “The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom,” and I have to be honest - I liked it way more than I thought I would.  I knew plenty about the show after talking to the host, Tracey Gold, yesterday, but typically I don’t let my DVR record things that have the words “Secret” and “Mom” in the same title (sounds kind of like a bad Lifetime move, don’t you think?).  However, after whizzing through the show in about 45 minutes, I found myself with a bit of a lump in my throat and a little more happiness about the choice I made to be a SAHM.

The first episode centered on Adrian Stark, wife of a doctor and a mom of three.  A wannabe fashion designer before she had kids, the show gave Ms. Stark the opportunity to work for fashion designer Bianca Nero for a week under the guise that she was “going to a spa.” (Hence, the “secret.” Lifetime references abound.) So while she went off to her new “job,” her husband stayed at home watching the girls. It was your typical here’s-what-happens-when-the-mom-works-scenario with the kids running wild and the house in disarray. Let’s just say if there are assistants who cook the food all day while you’re away it’s not that realistic.

And watching Ms. Stark do her assignment was kind of like watching a summer intern at work.  The bosses came down hard and fast and Ms. Stark looked frazzled and nervous.  I can only imagine, though, how she must have felt, considering before I interviewed Ms. Gold yesterday (my first “real” story since I stopped working) I was sweating like a pig.  The point? It’s hard to rejigger your brain into work mode after you’ve been in SAHM mode. I thought the show treated that shift well.

Some folks were a little bothered by the secretive nature of the show, but I just chalked it up to the fact that it’s on TV. I mean, how else were they going to get those moms out of the house? I know if I want to leave for a day I have to book it like 3 weeks in advance, call in major reinforcements and clear it with a slew of people. Anyway, *spoiler alert* at the end of the show, Ms. Stark does a great job, gets the job of her dreams and accepts a full-time position with the designer. Dad seemed truly happy for her and the kids were thrilled. (This is the part where I got a lump in my throat.)  It was sweet, really. You could tell that she loved staying at home with her kids, but wanted to try something new, so kudos to her!

This show isn’t going to be for everyone, though. Some will think it’s going to fuel the Mommy Wars and devalue women’s choices.  But I’d like to think more positively about it after watching it. It gives a little insight into a typical my SAHM life and what can happen down the road. And I think it’s good for moms in general to watch other mothers go through what many of us think about as well as show employers that even if you are out of the workforce for awhile you still got ’skillz (er, skills.)

So if they have to throw in a few television cliches in the process I’m not going to sweat it.  I’m going to record it again next week and maybe catch a good movie on Lifetime while I’m at it.  Hey, we all have to live vicariously once in awhile, right?

Tags: The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom,, celebrity+moms, Tracey Gold, mommy wars, working moms, SAHM

I remember Tracey Gold most from her days as Carol Seaver on the ’80s hit “Growing Pains.”  But Tracey, with her long career in acting, is much more than just a teenage superstar.  Mother of three (with one on the way in 3 1/2 weeks!), Tracey has been through more ups and downs as a woman than anyone I know.  Tonight, she’s starting a new chapter of her career as host of TLC’s new show, “The Secret Life of Soccer Moms.” (The show airs Mondays at 10/9 Central on TLC.) I got the amazing opportunity to talk to Tracey today from my “home office” (who says I’m not working!).  As a mom who just quit her job, I’m selfishly curious about this topic. Read on for my interview and tune back tomorrow for my commentary about the show.

SMM: How did you get involved in “The Secret Life of Soccer Moms”?
TG: I met the head executive of TLC back in June on another project and when he took over TLC he brought me in for this show, and pitched it. He didn’t know I was pregnant, though, so it threw him for a curveball, but I assured him that I could do it being pregnant and that I really relate to all the conflict and guilt of working moms.  Even though it’s a hosting job, I’m a woman and a mom too and I can share in these experiences.  I really thought the show was a great idea, and I couldn’t believe it hadn’t been done before.

SMM: Have you always been a working mom? Or did you take time off yourself?
TG: I have always worked. My job is such that I can work some and then take time to be a stay at home mom. I absolutely love to work and for me it’s a good balance. I’ve never felt like it’s been too much. The good thing about my job is that it’s conducive to being a mom. I know how lucky I am.

SMM: How was it starting a new job while pregnant?
TG: I was ok with it. If it was my first I would have thought differently, I think. But it’s my fourth child and I have had great pregnancies. At the end of the day, people were generally really accepting of it and I think in my industry it’s more acceptable to be pregnant. It’s become the hot new thing! We finished eight episodes, now I’m working to promote it and hopefully it will et picked up.

SMM: Was it hard to find the stay-at-home mom jobs? Were the jobs typically in the same field from ones they had left?
TG: It wasn’t hard to find the jobs, and in terms of the kind of jobs they worked in, it was mixed.  It’s not hard to find moms who wonder ‘what could have been if I took a different path?’ People were receptive and threw themselves into it. All the families were so different in terms of whether or not the moms took the job - some did and some didn’t.  Some moms were crying because they would have liked to have gone back, but there were logistical issues of day care, etc.  This was real life, not just a reality show.  Unfortunately, I don’t think there are a ton of opportunities for moms who’ve been out of the workforce for 10 years.

SMM: Can you tell me a little bit about how the show works?
TG: In the beginning, the moms really don’t know what they’re getting into. The moms go back, they leave and then they are sequestered for three nights doing their jobs. The dads think they are out doing the spa thing! Then on the last day, we bring the dad in and tell him what’s really going on. You get a mixed kind of reaction from the dads and the families. Some are good and some aren’t. Having the husband there adds a different dimension. And having the dad there changed the wife’s perspective too.  The mom could be loving the job, but the dad isn’t loving the idea of the mom working so much and then the mom decides she wants to stay home. No matter what, though, working brought the moms a new-found confidence to stay at home. Being a stay-at-home mom is one of the most under-appreciated jobs around, but it’s the most important one. Once the moms saw themselves being successful at something else it gave them extra confidence once they went home.

SMM: How did the employers treat the moms who went back to work? Did they need to be re-trained?
TG: The employers were hugely supportive and very receptive to helping them. Some moms fit right in and others needed to be caught up. They’d go into the job really excited but realize how hard it was and want to go home where they were loved and appreciated. They liked the safety of being at home.

SMM: What advice did you give to moms on the show? What kind of advice can you give to stay-at-home moms who want to go back to work when their kids are older?
TG: I always feel like I’m going through the same situation other moms are going through. I’m trying to figure it out too as I go and I’m not going to tell anyone what to do.  I think having a good support team is really important. I’m really lucky, as I have my mom and don’t need to have a nanny - it’s a real blessing. What I learned is that these women don’t necessarily ask what’s good for them all the time. They need to start asking what’s good for them and not fall into a trap of being a marytr at home.
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For an interesting debate about the premise and name of the show, check out Elizabeth’s post. Can’t say I disagree with her arguments all that much, but I’ll wait to watch the show before I fully decide how I feel.

Tags: Tracey Gold, TLC, The Secret Life of Soccer Moms, celebrity moms

I just issued a directive to my husband but called him by my son’s name.

Clearly, I’m spending too much time at home.  Or, that I’m finally turning into my mother. I gotta do something about that.

p.s. I’m so excited because I’m interviewing someone famous tomorrow about something pretty cool! Stay tuned - it’s about time I wrote a “real” post around here and that someone comments back to me. Geez, where is everyone lately?

In trying to figure out the best way to make, contact and keep new SAHM friends, I have to remind myself that everyone’s communication preferences are different.  My preferred method of communication is still e-mail - a holdover from my working mom days. But e-mails are harder to come by and typically the slowest method of communicating with an SAHM. (Unless such SAHM has a BlackBerry, and although the devices are picking up in popularity with the mommy-set, they’re still few and far between in my circle of friends.) So that leaves me with two options of communication: calling by phone or sending text messages. If I could avoid the phone I would.  Thus, if given the option, I’d rather text first and call later.

But texting is a very different animal than e-mailing as I’m finding out the hard way. An incident earlier this week has left me with a sinking feeling about creating, sustaining and maintaining friendships through text messaging. Have you ever sent a text you regretted?

The target of my regrettable text probably knows me by face but not by name. She’s another SAHM in Chicago and we share certain things in common - yoga classes, mommy classes and courteous waves in such class parking lots.  Perhaps one day we would be friends if put in the right circumstances.  Like, what if by chance we were vacationing at the same place in the great state of Colorado?  I could have tried to let this coincidence occur randomly and see if by chance we’d pass each other on the vast slopes of the mountain, but due to my lack of impulse control (remember these boots? yeah, I returned them, ok, moving on…) I decided to contact this almost-perfect stranger and send a little electronic envelope her way. 

Texting rule #1: only text people who you are sure will know who you are when they receive your text.

It took effort for me to figure out her number (I’m really not going to go there because it pretty much makes me seem the world’s biggest stalker) and more effort to figure out how exactly to word a 50-character count message to someone I barely know from someone she likely doesn’t remember. 

Texting rule #2: if you can’t articulate what you want to say in a text by using acronymns, don’t send it. 

But it all seemed so funny and random at the time.  What are the chances that two moms from Chicago would have their children signed up for the same ski school program many miles away? I mean, I saw her kid there (and scanned the sign in sheet for pertinent information, g-d I’m such a stalker).  This coincidence NEEDED no, DEMANDED to be documented. So I did it. I rewrote the message several times and when I landed on a version that I thought was the least-SWF-ish I hit send.

Texting rule #3: if you think your text reads like it’s coming out of nowhere, then it probably is.

Crap. Crap. Crap. What did I just do?

It felt so normal to send a text to a person I know by face but whose number I was guessing.  It seemed funny to bring up a silly chance encounter in 25 words or less via a little silver device. But I knew that when I didn’t hear from her for 24 hours that the damage had been done. After two days went by I tried and tried to “recall” the text.  Did you know that you can’t do that? I didn’t until this week. By yesterday, I knew all hope was lost. My text fell into the dreaded “who the F is this?” category.

Texting rule #4: if you don’t hear back from a text within 30 minutes, consider yourself text-less.

Problem is, I’m kind of addicted to my new BlackBerry Pearl and because I’m really not getting as many e-mails as I did when I was working, I like to have a reason to use it. (Yes, I’m a tech geek just like all these other women, shoot me.) I like the triple-beep noise the device makes when I recieve a message back. I like how much easier it is to use Smart-type than a numerical keypad to type the letters.  I like the immediacy and impersonal-yet-really-personal nature of the beast.

But when you text on a whim to a number you’re not sure will recognize you, you must be ready to face the consequences that the text might vanish into the technology abyss of the trash bin.  And if you’re trying to make new friends by this easy-but-dangerous mechanism, you might think twice before you hit the little green send button or you’ll get yourself a great case of text message remorse.

Texting rule #5: When in doubt, become friends first, get the number via normal means and just pick up the phone.

Tag: text message, mom friends, SAHM friends

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Cross-posted at the Chicago Moms Blog, where I know my text messages would be recognized.

I remember fondly the days where I looked out of my office window into the vastness of the South Side of Chicago.  The cars! The lake! The daydreaming! Fortunately or unfortunately, I’ve left that great view behind me and onto a different kind of office. The coffee shop.

The noise! The uncomfortable wooden chairs! The expensive beverages!

I never fancied myself as the kind of person who could hang out in a coffee shop for the afternoon just killing time on the internet catching up on e-mails and writing. I have admired those who can.  Those who can pop out wonderful work amidst the cell phone calls, the espresso machines whizzing and the god-forbid-its-mainstream music.

But on a day with not so many errands to run and a babysitter (not a nanny, no no!) at home with the kid, I figured I’d shlep my computer around and try to find a spot where I could settle until the “free” wi-fi (which is only free if I spend too much money on a not-so-good croissant sandwich) runs out. 

Of course, I’m the idiot who couldn’t figure out how to get the “free” wi-fi code activated and had to bother the man behind me to help me out (Vista firewall issue, go figure).  And of course, I haven’t gotten a lick of my new “work” done, but in reality my new little office isn’t so bad. It’s warm, the sun is shining in (finally) and there must be a new beverage on the menu that I haven’t tried yet.

I see that this might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. If only they hadn’t run out of chocolate scones.