Self-Made Mom

I’ve had some close encounters of the working kind in the past week. Remarkably, since I left my job, I’ve had little to do with my former coworkers. It’s not out of spite or anything. (Although I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate me calling them at 1 pm while they’re at their computers and I’ve just finished watching an episode of Top Chef).  It’s just that I’m being lazy about the whole “networking to get back in the workforce someday thing” and I have no urge to really know what I left behind me.  I wish I could say that I miss work, but I don’t, actually. So while I like to hear from my old friends, I don’t have that morbid curiosity about me wondering, “are they getting by without me?” Because I’m sure they are.

However, in the last week, I’ve gotten some pokes from my former colleagues and work associates.  My old team took me out to a very nice “going away” afternoon tea where I gorged myself on scrumptuous handmade scones and shrimp sandwiches until my stomach hurt. (Cut me some slack. Most of my lunches these days consist of french fries and an occasional crust of grilled cheese.)  My colleague even asked me before our get together if I was excited to bust out some of my old corporate wardrobe again. Like I all I wear are Uggs and leggings all day every day. Please.  It was actually somewhat entertaining to put on a shirt that buttons, pants that aren’t made of denim and have somewhere to be with adults at 3 pm, but by 5 o’clock, I was relieved to go home, take off my thong underwear (I have little problem with panty lines while I’m at home) and slip on my momiform.

I mean, after we discussed gossiped about all our old clients, what was I supposed to talk about? My “blog” which is so “cute?” My son, who’s growing up faster than I care to believe? My coworkers are childless and I’m not sure they were that interested in the latest potty training techniques. Plus, it’s not like I’ve been very good at keeping up with marketplace trends; I’ve let my “work” magazine subscriptions all but completely lapse in the three months since I stepped out the door.

This lack of interest in the working world wasn’t just obvious over Darjeeling and jam. I’ve had other work-related avoidances as well.  For example, I turned down a good freelancing opportunity last week. I blew off a former colleague who wanted me to speak to his class. I’m even bailing on a “how to be a better freelancer” seminar this week that I’m supposed to go to with my new friend and learn how to market myself better.  Freelancing lesson #1: don’t bail on popular blog friend for night at home. (Truth be told I am staying at home to prepare for a vacation later this week, but my former gunner self wouldn’t let a silly thing like vacation get in the way of some good networking.)

I’m sure somewhere out there Leslie Bennetts is signing Hail Marys praying for my working mom salvation. I’m a serious ”keeping myself in the mix” flunkie. I’m a career-path dropout.  Hell, I’m not keeping that “key contacts” roster alive. You know, the one I’m supposed to keep so that if in six months I’m going ballistic with a temper-tantrum-throwing-toddler and I want to go back to work it will be seamless.  On paper, I’m setting myself up for complete failure. But I’m keeping hope alive that the way everyone else judges what moms do when they stop working will somehow change if and when I decide to ever be a “working” mom again.

That just being me doing what I want to do when I want to do it will be enough. I’m not giving into the career Grim Reaper yet.

There was a point in time about two months ago where I made a decision not to go on a business trip because I didn’t have to, and things would be so much easier at home if I didn’t go.

I passed on a golden opportunity to shine in front of senior management so that I could help my husband set up my son’s ginormous plastic kitchen.  The moment I made that decision, I felt the weight of all the mommy guilt I’ve ever known lifted off of my shoulders and I was as happy as I’ve ever been since I had my son.

I knew then that the working thing just wasn’t going to work anymore.

There also was a point in time two days ago, after having SpaghettiO’s hurled at me (I experienced a whole new meaning to “uh oh, SpaghettiO’s”), when I read a client e-mail that said, “too bad you’re leaving us, we’re really going to miss you” and thought, “what the hell did I just do?”

The working thing wasn’t working anymore, but would the stay-at-home mom thing work better?

I think so.  But if you’re neurotic and nervous like me you can never know if you’re making the “right” decisions.  All I could do, I told myself, was weigh all the options (including not being able to buy everything on winter sale right now) and do what my gut told me.  That I want to retreat from corporate America and stay home with my son. 

With no regrets.

Some people may think I’m making a huge mistake.  Others may peg me as part of the opt-out revolution, just wasting my hard-earned degrees.  I’m going to think of myself as semi-retired.  Taking an extended honeymoon from conference calls, deadlines (of the client imposed kind), performance reviews, management headaches and just about anything that forces me to dial in, strategize, plan or “noodle.” (G-d I HATE that last word.)

Instead, in my retirement, I’m going to put on makeup when I want to, eat breakfast with my son every morning, hang out at Gymboree and catch up on the latest style of sneakers (how’s that for stereotyping!?) I’m going to figure out how to fill my days with playdates, home cooking, story time and lots of cuddling.  I’m hoping I can turn around my son on that last one.  He’s not so into cuddling.

I’m not going to wither away into Wisteria Lane, though.  I’ve still got a few things up my sleeve.  But I’m going to say no to the distractions that were making me feel that I was doing neither the mom nor the work thing well.  I’m going to stop juggling, and balancing, and doing whatever it is that was barely keeping my head above water for the last 17 months. And the thing is, as I enter my last day as a working mom, I feel more optimistic about my future career plans, whatever they are or aren’t, than I ever have. 

I know that I’m extremely lucky and fortunate and blessed to have this opportunity and I’m not going to take it for granted. I’m going to seize it and channel my inner Bree Van de Kamp.  No! I’m not setting performance goals for myself anymore.  I’m just going to be me.  Mom of a toddler, wife of a lawyer. 

With no regrets.

Tags: Feminine Mistake, opt-out revolution, working mom, SAHM, work-life balance

Last night, my husband suggested that we watch the show Cashmere Mafia again.  I know he’s trying to be supportive about my transition out of the workforce, and truthfully, I’d be the last person to turn down an offer to watch cheesy girlie shows with her very straight husband.

So I obliged, but as the show progressed, I found myself in a worse mood than before it had started. Cashmere Mafia is nothing more than a perpetuation of the worst possible stereotypes of the struggle between working motherhood and SAHM life - one life I’ve known and one that I’ll be privy to in a few short days.

When I watched the show last week I chuckled at the notion that the ”regular working mom,” Zoe, would have the time or the energy to don a neglige and ask her husband “how would you like your steak done?” as they get into bed after hiring and firing a new nanny.  Not only was that line terrible (but one I’ve used jokingly on my husband ever since), but it gives off the impression that not only does this woman have to bust her ass all day in the office, figure out child care (and it appeared her husband did not work) but also come across as a sexy plaything at night. I mean, what working mom has the energy to do that? And don’t get me started on the other working mom caricature, Juliet, who makes Miranda from the Devil Wears Prada look like mother of the year.

But last night’s episode put me over the edge. In the parts of the show that I actually watched, they pitted pitiful Zoe against what appeared to be the SAHM Queen. Decked out in her fancy sweats, making tofu stir fry for her 8 year old, she was the protypical ice princess of the playground.  And when the battle of mommy guilt became too much for our working mom heroine, all she had to do was wave a finger and use her work connections to put the SAHM to shame.  Even blew her off with a fake “conference call.”

Now I’ve pulled the “I’ve got a conference call” line on many a person that I didn’t feel like talking to, but the way it was presented in the show made me uneasy.  It was as if having a conference call to actually attend made her superior to the SAHM cat fight of what moms got to go to the kid’s field trip. Nuh uh, sister.  If a working mom pulled that on me when I become an SAHM I’d slap her BlackBerry silly.

I know Hollywood is a stereotyping machine, and this show wasn’t created to take the moral high ground on such issues of working motherhood, but after suffering through two episodes, I’ve just got to wonder if the television writers of America can’t do better than making women on prime time be such vapid losers.

If not, I’m not so sure I want any of them to come back from being on strike.  I’d rather watch the women duke it out in real life on American Gladiators than deal with the fake mommy wars concoction of Cashmere Mafia.

Tags: cashmere mafia, abc primetime, mommy wars, stereotypes

I think my last post was a bit of a bust (why does no one else get that joke!?), so for right now I’m going to stick with the basics.

First, I thought I’d tell you exactly what I do for work.  Hell, one of you actually asked me, so that warrants at least some sort of response, right?  And then, because it’s been nagging me for awhile, we’re going to debate if working part-time is working half-assed.  Sound fun? Great!

Technically, I help companies “strengthen their relationships with their employees to achieve business objectives.”  Really, what I really do all day is try to convince companies why employees matter to a company’s bottom line and why ignoring them is really dumb for business.  Get it? Great. Let’s move on.

What’s really been nagging me the last few days is the notion of working part-time equals working half-assed. When my friend quit her part-time job, she mentioned that she felt that she couldn’t give work her “all” and couldn’t give her home life her all either.  She felt that working part-time wasn’t really “working” because she had to give up esteemed projects and not be in on everything possible at work.  Another friend of mine, who recently went back to work and is contemplating quitting said that she doesn’t like to do anything “half-assed” and that working part-time feels like she’s doing it half-assed.

Well, duh.

No matter how you slice it, I’m not sure you can work part-time and:

1) be involved in every major project at work

2) be privy to every important conversation

3) be looked at as a go-to person for every last minute project, crisis, etc.

And I’d like to emphasize that I don’t think these are necessarily negative things, but they are points of consideration that one should think about when working a reduced schedule.  I mean, let’s be honest (I’ll be honest), there is a reason one chooses to come back to work part-time after maternity leave. Because you’re NOT READY or willing to give 100% of your life to work.  I think as long as you set your intention this way it’s ok.

And I don’t think this necessarily means you’re a slacker.

I know that right now, with my reduced schedule I am contributing to major pieces of business, winning new clients (i.e. convincing them that investing in employee communications is not dumb), and am a valued part of the team.  I don’t work on my days off (usually), but when I’m at work I give it my all.  So I guess if you slice it this way I am half present at work.

This most likely means I am not on the fast-track to a promotion.  Or that I will lead our group’s “marquis projects.”  But that’s not my intention right now.  My intention is to create a career path that I’m comfortable with for employers who can work with me through my “decelerated” times (to borrow a word from some smart ladies).  Most likely, at some point, I will ramp back-up my schedule and it will ultimately pay off for my employer because I’ll be more loyal to them and the company I work for.  I hope it works out this way. Maybe that’s why I’m in the kind of work I’m in. To be living proof.

I know some of what I say here is counter to things I’ve said before.  But the more I work part-time, the more I see its reality, both good and bad.  No matter what you do, or how you decide to live your life as a mom people will judge you.  In this way, I’m sure to some people, my ramblings prove that I’m just half-assing it.  But I’m ok with that.  Because really, at the end of the day, I’ll do pretty much anything to keep my backside slim.

Tags: part-time work, flexible work schedules, maternity leave

As I sit here feeling bad for myself for various things, like missing my son’s pre-pre-pre school class because I’m working, I remind myself that things could be worse. A lot worse.

I could live in a society where play dates are akin to being invited to the royal court and being on the outs results in murder.

At least I have one less thing to complain about today.

Tags: Japan, murder mothers club, play groups, mom friends

This blog post on whether pregnancy (or working motherhood) is a liability really caught my eye.  Based on a response to the allegations that Bloomberg LP demoted female employees after they announced their pregnancy, the post’s author, BusinessWeek writer Lauren Young, questions whether or not being pregnant or returning from maternity leave inhibits your ability to move up the corporate ladder.

She thinks it does and so do I.

I am not the same worker that I was before I had my son.

I don’t hide in the working mom “closet” pretending everything is alright on the homefront.  I can’t stay late in the office every night to finish up work (that’s what going online at 8 pm is for!)  I’m working at home more than I’m not because I have some crisis to monitor, and when I should be writing a communications plan I’m usually texting my nanny to see when my son went to bed.

My head’s not in the game lately and it’s costing my team. 

I’m trying to make it all work, but I realize in my head that my priorities have shifted.  I’m not the breadwinner and don’t want to be.  So when push comes to shove and there’s an emergency at home or an emergency at work, guess where I’ll be?

My new boss should have inherited the old me - dilligent worker, top of her game all the time, going the extra mile.

Instead, she’s been saddled with a neurotic mother of a one-and-a-half-year-old trying pretty fruitlessly to make what others deem “the perfect balance” work.  This is definitely something a Band-Aid can’t fix.  And I hope to g-d she has an insurance plan.  Because I could be liable to do something crazy one of these days and just walk away from the scene of the crime.

Tags: Business Week Working Parents, Bloomberg LP lawsuit

When Nannygate and the blogging overdose occurred in one month, I decided to make some changes. To slow down on the blog, and the work stuff (as much as possible) and the extra-cirricular activities.  I noticed I had been doing everything paying half attention.  At best, I was able to take a call for work while pushing my son in his stroller. At worst, I was putting my son in front of the television so I could check a few e-mails.

Something had to give, and for the past couple of weeks I’ve implemented some changes, some life changes to my routine.  As you are all painfully aware. 

Then comes this post from two of my fine blog AND real-life friends, Sassafrass and CityMama, which totally hit home.  Two fine women taking control of their life, opting-in for the things that matter to them and being happier as a result.  And I know others are going to be on board with this plan as well.

I’m already starting on my project life change, but it’s nice to be in good company.  If you’re making a life change too, write about it and help us keep the conversation on this topic going.  My relaxed-self will be hear waiting for you.

Tags: Project Life Change, work-life balance, CityMama, Sassafrass

I can’t stay away from the blog for long. Not when Working Mother magazine comes out with their 100 Best Companies List and I miss posting about it by one day.  I HAVE to make my second (or is it third?) re-entry during a week when something actually newsworthy comes out about us working moms. (Isn’t that my thang?)

So here’s the scoop.  Devra pointed out that the list is stretching the notion of third-party credibility a little too far.  Susan doesn’t think that the “best” will get better without some pushing from the government.  Me? I know deep down that these lists are just a massive PR effort put forth by some low-level hack right out of college.  No, sorry.  Three years out of college. 

My major dilemma with such lists is why do people take them so seriously?  The criteria probably isn’t too rigid (I wish we could see the whole form on their website somewhere without me having to register).  And I’m actually thankful that companies on this list probably are doing more than most companies at least by the fact that they have the goal to be on this list in the first place.  There are worse things a company could pay a PR firm to do with its time do with its time.

That being said, I do see some room for improvement.  Some questions I’d love to add to the survey (of which I have never seen):

• How often does your boss roll his/ her eyes when you ask to leave 10 minutes early to pick your kid up from school?
• How often do you let your subordinates “work from home” on last minute notice?
• How many workers in the office have “I love mom” posters hanging on the wall?
• What is the ratio of women who are ”skinny bitches” vs. “trying to lose the baby weight”?
• What is the percentage of men who know not to ask a woman if she’s pregnant 10 weeks post-partum? (this one assumes a long, paid, restful maternity leave. Ha!)
• Do you have someone on staff to ensure that the snack machine doesn’t have any food with more than 5g of fat in it?

Who’s welcoming me back to the blogosphere?  Can I get a woo-woo?

Until I feel like blogging again…

Tags: working mother magazine, 100 best companies for working mothers, flexible work arrangements, working moms

I’ve always known it, but this article solidified it.  I’m not cut out to be the breadwinner of our family.  It’s not that I don’t have the ambition or the drive to be good at my job.  I do.  It’s not that I want to opt-out or off-ramp or whatever silly buzzwords exist to define working motherhood.  I don’t.

It’s that I get edgy and nervous when I’m under pressure.  I’m worse than that Miss Teen USA contestant.  I don’t like being in charge all the time.  I know I keep saying this, but I can’t keep up with everything mounting up around me.  I can’t “do it all.” I don’t know how to take two business trips in a row without getting a pit in my stomach.  I have a hard time being cheery and bright-eyed for my son in the wake of stress at work.  I forget how to be a good and understanding wife after a long day.  When the stress of the job builds, I just become more exhausted, overwhelmed and cranky.  I’m not saying those mommy-breadwinners don’t feel this way.  But while they’re probably solving the world’s energy crisis, my typical big worry of the week is what class to sign my son up for on my day off. 

Exacerbating my stress about this topic is that I feel I’m a part of a momosphere that is decidedly feminist and that I’m not living up to my end of the bargain.  While I’m pro-choice, pro-civil liberties (not of the Bush kind), pro-everything-you-want-to-do-how-you-want-to-do-it, at the core, I still like it that my husband is the one who worries about the big things.  I admire those women who rise to the top, do it all and more.  I can relate to a  lot of what they say, but a lot of it is different for me.  I have a job that’s on my terms, one where my husband was more concerned with how happy I’d be than how much money I’d make.  And I make some sacrifices as a result.  But they are sacrifices I can afford to make.  I live a life where I’m somewhat oblivious to reality.  I come by it honestly.  I grew up very pretty sheltered due to the fact that my father had it rough and wanted to protect my brother and I from his worries.  It’s not a good thing, but sometimes it’s all I know.  And while my husband is trying to break the mold, he also helps to perpetuate it by being the breadwinner and not asking me for more than to be happy and be the primary caretaker of our son.  I’m sure this all sounds incredibly old-fashioned, and well, it is, but I like it this way.

But there’s a part of me that knows I should try to be an agent of change; that I should try to make more of a difference.  To be the best.  To help others more. To earn more money.  But I can’t do it right now.  I don’t have it in me yet.  I’m just happy to be me.  Little ol’ non-breadwinner, part-time working mom, possibly not-feminist, rookie-blogger me.  And that’ll have to do for now.

I gotta come clean here… one of the main reasons I started this blog (almost a year ago!) was because I was bored at work. Very bored.  Business was slow, my old boss had left, and I was floundering at work.  What better time to start writing, right?

Well, the tide has turned and I’m now busier than I’ve ever been since I came back from maternity leave. Which essentially means I have little time to blog or read other blogs. Or e-mail incessantly with my friends.  Or shop. (Ok, I did shop a little last week but half of it was online, so does that really count?)

Case in point: In the next two weeks I have four trips planned. Two personal and two for work.  I can barely do two trips a quarter so I’m not sure how I’m going to get through the next couple of weeks. Plus, we’re losing someone on our team, but the work is increasing. I’m taking on more responsibility, which I am encouraging, but I’m worried that everything else is going to fall by the wayside (like, my roots.)

It was easy to come to work this time last year, roll in at 9, leave at 5, with a shopping date and maybe some errands thrown in. But now, I don’t have time for a lunch break either and my days are so jam-packed that I only noticed last week that wide-leg trousers are in style for fall (hence, why I blew a fortune on one pair. I don’t have time to be picky.) Not to mention I agreed to do a writing gig on the side.

With a new nanny starting and my job responsibilities increasing, it’s going to be an interesting fall, full of opportunity and new challenges.  I know this is what I signed up for in the long run, but there’s something to be said about planning work around your personal life.

At least it’s a long weekend.