Self-Made Mom

Now before you all think I’ve been swept away with the fuzz under the rug, I haven’t.  I’ve just been at the petting zoo.  The place where moms have 10 udders, but at least get to sleep while their children pester them for food.

There’s not enough Lasinoh cream on the market to keep her nipples from hurting.

I mean the zoo really puts things into perspective - just when I start to feel stressed about not working, or guilty, or needing a really long vacation away, I remember that things could be worse.  I’m pretty sure those animals don’t have Tivo in their crates.

Animals also don’t get fun DVDs about new television shows sent to them by friends, and I didn’t see any Tory Burch flip-flops (I missed the memo about wearing those to the zoo today) on the mommy cows.  By g-d those animals are so unstylish.  I also bet that the cute little pony eating her hay doesn’t have to worry about giving her first presentation in a long time tomorrow to a room full of strangers for a position she has a snowball’s chance in hell of getting.

As different as our lives may seem, however, there are some strong similarities between our barnyard brethren and us. We are both responsible for our children’s health, well-being and need to ensure that they’re fed, clothed (or have enough fur or hair or whatever), and have a place to sleep (I’ll take my Tempurpedic pillow over a bale of hay any day.) When you get right down to it, the only thing that separates a stay-at-home mom with a billy goat mom is that the billy goat can kick her kid away when he’s being annoying.  I tried that move once, but I got too many dirty stares from onlookers to ever repeat it.

There’s something to be said, though, about living more like the animals.  Their nipples may hurt, but I bet the mama sheep doesn’t give a lick about what the mama pig feeds her kid for dinner.  Or if her pig husband brings home the bacon. I mean how bad could it really be to lie around all day letting your little piggies pick at your boobs for a bite every now and again?

Udderly awful.  I think I’ll stick with my sushi take-out, down comforter-loving self at least until my next visit.

• Don’t look at me that way. In 5-10 years, you too, may find yourself dragging a screaming toddler up the escalator on the way to find velvet throw pillows to cover the puke stains on your couch.
• Trust me, a toddler throwing grapes on the floor is much better than smushing them in his hands.
• You most likely won’t ever hold your significant other’s hand while shopping for silverware again.
• I guarantee you’ll never unpack that Krups ice cream maker. It’s ok.  Four years later and I haven’t opened mine yet.

Still dusty after all these years.

• The love you have for each other will never equal the love you have for a brand-new set of non-stick Calphalon pans.

And while I was picking on unsuspecting couples at Crate and Barrel, here’s what was happening on the web:

• The Secret Lives of Soccer Moms goes postal: I realized that after I talked to Tracey and watched the premiere episode, I forgot to Tivo the series.  Which means I missed out on following all the crazy backlash the show is getting on the web.  Holy crap, people. Get a life. It’s a TV show. Geez.
•  Mickey’s going to be eating matzah one day: The Disney “blunder” is no more. Go Devra! Hope they like your charoset.
• Just what I want to read before going to bed at night: I don’t see the point of reading a fictional book about the life I’m leading. Sounds to me like another helping of the Mommy Wars hype with a different title.
• I started a new pet project. Click here to see the beginning of genius.
• ** Edited to add: Have you all seen this new site Alltop? I’ve read about it like 4 times today, so I had to write about it. It collects all the top blogs on the web according to different categories. It’s a great way to see all of your favorite sites’ top 5 posts in a few scrolls of the mouse. There is even a category for mom blogs, but you won’t see me there (yet?) so don’t forget to come back and visit here after you scroll away!

Tags: The Secret Life of Soccer Moms, The Ten-Year Nap, Meg Wolitzer, mommy wars, Disney, Alltop

It seems to have reared its ugly head all over the internet and blogosphere again. I’m all for ending the Mommy Wars, but I’m also all for people articulating their feelings and points of view on the topic. To get a sense of how heated this debate still is, you should all check out the interesting discussions on these two blog posts:

• Work It Mom! is currently featuring an article by Leslie Bennetts, author of The Feminine Mistake (which I wrote about way back when), that has set off a firestorm of comments and a response by the site’s founder, Nataly. I personally think Ms. Bennetts probably has some nuggets of wisdom in her writing, but found her article a bit off-putting.  I think it’s absurd to quantify or generalize the term “happiness” and that we all have to define it for ourselves as mothers and women and people, not by whether or not we work or not.  I also applaud Nataly for putting different opinions on her site.  We’re all not always going to agree with one another and that’s what is great about the internet and its various communities. Just don’t let it get too personal, people.
• Speaking of personal attacks, Stephanie, a.k.a. Lawyer Mama, is taking some serious heat for a blog post she wrote last week about the scheduling of her son’s friend’s birthday party during a weekday time when she’s at work.  The ensuing debate and discussion underscore how mothers really judge each other. (You’ll notice I’m not participating in such debate, because I won’t opine either way! I am allowed to take a neutral stand on the internets, right?)
• And to round it all off, Chicago Crain’s Business published an article this week featuring a few moms’ stories about working vs. staying at home. It doesn’t cover any new territory, but any article that has a headline, “Great friends –until they had kids,” is always going to get me. The mommy wars are so much more fun with a sensational!! headline!!

Ok, I’m off to eat bon bons and watch Oprah re-runs, because, well, you know, that’s all us SAHMs do anyway…

Tags: mommy wars, Leslie Bennetts, Work It! Mom, DC Metro Moms

I just finished watching the premiere episode of TLC’s new show, “The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom,” and I have to be honest - I liked it way more than I thought I would.  I knew plenty about the show after talking to the host, Tracey Gold, yesterday, but typically I don’t let my DVR record things that have the words “Secret” and “Mom” in the same title (sounds kind of like a bad Lifetime move, don’t you think?).  However, after whizzing through the show in about 45 minutes, I found myself with a bit of a lump in my throat and a little more happiness about the choice I made to be a SAHM.

The first episode centered on Adrian Stark, wife of a doctor and a mom of three.  A wannabe fashion designer before she had kids, the show gave Ms. Stark the opportunity to work for fashion designer Bianca Nero for a week under the guise that she was “going to a spa.” (Hence, the “secret.” Lifetime references abound.) So while she went off to her new “job,” her husband stayed at home watching the girls. It was your typical here’s-what-happens-when-the-mom-works-scenario with the kids running wild and the house in disarray. Let’s just say if there are assistants who cook the food all day while you’re away it’s not that realistic.

And watching Ms. Stark do her assignment was kind of like watching a summer intern at work.  The bosses came down hard and fast and Ms. Stark looked frazzled and nervous.  I can only imagine, though, how she must have felt, considering before I interviewed Ms. Gold yesterday (my first “real” story since I stopped working) I was sweating like a pig.  The point? It’s hard to rejigger your brain into work mode after you’ve been in SAHM mode. I thought the show treated that shift well.

Some folks were a little bothered by the secretive nature of the show, but I just chalked it up to the fact that it’s on TV. I mean, how else were they going to get those moms out of the house? I know if I want to leave for a day I have to book it like 3 weeks in advance, call in major reinforcements and clear it with a slew of people. Anyway, *spoiler alert* at the end of the show, Ms. Stark does a great job, gets the job of her dreams and accepts a full-time position with the designer. Dad seemed truly happy for her and the kids were thrilled. (This is the part where I got a lump in my throat.)  It was sweet, really. You could tell that she loved staying at home with her kids, but wanted to try something new, so kudos to her!

This show isn’t going to be for everyone, though. Some will think it’s going to fuel the Mommy Wars and devalue women’s choices.  But I’d like to think more positively about it after watching it. It gives a little insight into a typical my SAHM life and what can happen down the road. And I think it’s good for moms in general to watch other mothers go through what many of us think about as well as show employers that even if you are out of the workforce for awhile you still got ’skillz (er, skills.)

So if they have to throw in a few television cliches in the process I’m not going to sweat it.  I’m going to record it again next week and maybe catch a good movie on Lifetime while I’m at it.  Hey, we all have to live vicariously once in awhile, right?

Tags: The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom,, celebrity+moms, Tracey Gold, mommy wars, working moms, SAHM

There was a point in time about two months ago where I made a decision not to go on a business trip because I didn’t have to, and things would be so much easier at home if I didn’t go.

I passed on a golden opportunity to shine in front of senior management so that I could help my husband set up my son’s ginormous plastic kitchen.  The moment I made that decision, I felt the weight of all the mommy guilt I’ve ever known lifted off of my shoulders and I was as happy as I’ve ever been since I had my son.

I knew then that the working thing just wasn’t going to work anymore.

There also was a point in time two days ago, after having SpaghettiO’s hurled at me (I experienced a whole new meaning to “uh oh, SpaghettiO’s”), when I read a client e-mail that said, “too bad you’re leaving us, we’re really going to miss you” and thought, “what the hell did I just do?”

The working thing wasn’t working anymore, but would the stay-at-home mom thing work better?

I think so.  But if you’re neurotic and nervous like me you can never know if you’re making the “right” decisions.  All I could do, I told myself, was weigh all the options (including not being able to buy everything on winter sale right now) and do what my gut told me.  That I want to retreat from corporate America and stay home with my son. 

With no regrets.

Some people may think I’m making a huge mistake.  Others may peg me as part of the opt-out revolution, just wasting my hard-earned degrees.  I’m going to think of myself as semi-retired.  Taking an extended honeymoon from conference calls, deadlines (of the client imposed kind), performance reviews, management headaches and just about anything that forces me to dial in, strategize, plan or “noodle.” (G-d I HATE that last word.)

Instead, in my retirement, I’m going to put on makeup when I want to, eat breakfast with my son every morning, hang out at Gymboree and catch up on the latest style of sneakers (how’s that for stereotyping!?) I’m going to figure out how to fill my days with playdates, home cooking, story time and lots of cuddling.  I’m hoping I can turn around my son on that last one.  He’s not so into cuddling.

I’m not going to wither away into Wisteria Lane, though.  I’ve still got a few things up my sleeve.  But I’m going to say no to the distractions that were making me feel that I was doing neither the mom nor the work thing well.  I’m going to stop juggling, and balancing, and doing whatever it is that was barely keeping my head above water for the last 17 months. And the thing is, as I enter my last day as a working mom, I feel more optimistic about my future career plans, whatever they are or aren’t, than I ever have. 

I know that I’m extremely lucky and fortunate and blessed to have this opportunity and I’m not going to take it for granted. I’m going to seize it and channel my inner Bree Van de Kamp.  No! I’m not setting performance goals for myself anymore.  I’m just going to be me.  Mom of a toddler, wife of a lawyer. 

With no regrets.

Tags: Feminine Mistake, opt-out revolution, working mom, SAHM, work-life balance

I sometimes wish I had a special super power that allowed me to zap a mom’s mouth shut before she said something stupid.

Like the eye doctor I saw today to figure out why the F I still have pink eye.

She was one of those perky, smiley, cute pregnant women who’s on her third kid, but looks like she just walked off the pages of a Pea in the Pod advertisement.  Not to mention that she works full-time. I thought her giddiness was from some sort of magic potion she drank for lunch, but as it turns out it’s from what she described as SUCH AN AMAZING NANNY. A snippet from our conversation:

Me: “So you’re on your third?”

Bubbly, Annoying Doctor: “Yeah! Our nanny is so fabulous it makes it seem like we could have 6 kids. She’s just like so calm and soothing. It’s great!”

Me: “Oh. I’m on my third nanny.”

BAD:  [a slight sneer]

Me: “And, I just quit my job!”

BAD: “Oh. It’s much easier to work with a great full-time nanny who you trust so much than to stay at home full time with no help. And, you don’t have pink eye, just lash dandruff.”

I felt defeated.  Just when I thought I could find common ground with another working mother, I was blasted with a rock of Kryptonite.  And some overly oily eyelids.

Unfortunately I didn’t bring my superhero cape with me to the opthamologist, so all I could do was swoop my fabulous non-maternity coat around myself and ask her,

“Well, does your nanny make messianic music CDs for your kids? Ha! I didn’t think so.”

No, actually I just got up and left.  Not really caring about the free “Stridex-like” swabs for my eyes.  This soon-to-be-SAHM mommy will make do with her regular cotton balls and imperfect nanny.

As we all know, even superheros have their flaws.