Self-Made Mom

The thing I miss most about working is that I used to have something else to think about.  Something I thought was more important than whether or not it was BS that the kiddie soccer program allowed there to be a “private” soccer lesson in lieu of the class they advertised. (The bitching got them to create a new class for my friends and me. Ah, my negotiation skills I learned on the job are paying off in the mommy world. Wait, is it the other way around?)

The thing I miss about working is that now I have to figure out how I’m supposed to fill a dreary, rainy cold spring afternoon. When I was at work, I could just schedule an afternoon meeting or something.  I never had to think about my “summer schedule” being opposite from all my friends.  Or that my son missed the cut off for drop-off summer camp (rue those April birthdays).  Or the BPA-hype. Oh! The BPA-hype. Never in my life did I picture myself watching my son swing on gymnastic rings chatting with a friend about the dangers of plastic. The last time I worried about plastic doing me any bodily harm was when I was still using these.  I’ve come a long way from ribbed, people.

I used to chat about the latest CEO scandal. Now, my afternoons are spent gossiping and quoting news sources about the Miley Cyrus incident.  Seriously, I had no clue who Miley Cyrus was 6 months ago. Now, I’m questioning whether or not her “handlers” were complicit. I even roped my husband into the conversation. It’s his fault.

I push shopping carts with little plastic cars on the front where the kids sit around the supermarket in my sweatpants with my hair in a greasy bun where people smirk at me. I am not used to being smirked at as “that poor mom.”  But I was so that poor mom today.

My calendar is now filled with people’s names and addresses for playdates rather than meetings and client calls.  However, instead of blowing off a client ringing my line, I anxiously await for my phone to ring hoping for a shred of gossip or future planmaking.  Then I gossip and remind myself that there have to be other things to talk about. Like Miley Cyrus.  Or that crazy mom from the gymnastics class who lets her son run around like a maniac.  Oh, wait. That counts as gossip.

I don’t need to go to bed so early anymore because I don’t have to get dressed until 10 am if I don’t want to. I forget that my working mom friends still go to bed at 9 pm, though, and call them too late.  Heading to Starbucks for my chai tea is my morning meeting.  I even started talking to the baristas out of boredom.  And I don’t even have the petty cash to waste at Starbucks anymore.

The thing I don’t miss about working is that even if I got to think about conference calls and writing plans, I wasn’t doing it happily.  I’m happy most of the time staying in my workout clothes all day.  Hey, at least I got to workout.  Sometimes I feel like a walking cliche, but at least I do it with a smile on my face 99% of the time. Sometimes I think I need a life, but then I look at all I’ve done today as a mom and I’m pretty satisfied with the one I have. Greasy hair, bad gossip and all.

In trying to figure out the best way to make, contact and keep new SAHM friends, I have to remind myself that everyone’s communication preferences are different.  My preferred method of communication is still e-mail - a holdover from my working mom days. But e-mails are harder to come by and typically the slowest method of communicating with an SAHM. (Unless such SAHM has a BlackBerry, and although the devices are picking up in popularity with the mommy-set, they’re still few and far between in my circle of friends.) So that leaves me with two options of communication: calling by phone or sending text messages. If I could avoid the phone I would.  Thus, if given the option, I’d rather text first and call later.

But texting is a very different animal than e-mailing as I’m finding out the hard way. An incident earlier this week has left me with a sinking feeling about creating, sustaining and maintaining friendships through text messaging. Have you ever sent a text you regretted?

The target of my regrettable text probably knows me by face but not by name. She’s another SAHM in Chicago and we share certain things in common - yoga classes, mommy classes and courteous waves in such class parking lots.  Perhaps one day we would be friends if put in the right circumstances.  Like, what if by chance we were vacationing at the same place in the great state of Colorado?  I could have tried to let this coincidence occur randomly and see if by chance we’d pass each other on the vast slopes of the mountain, but due to my lack of impulse control (remember these boots? yeah, I returned them, ok, moving on…) I decided to contact this almost-perfect stranger and send a little electronic envelope her way. 

Texting rule #1: only text people who you are sure will know who you are when they receive your text.

It took effort for me to figure out her number (I’m really not going to go there because it pretty much makes me seem the world’s biggest stalker) and more effort to figure out how exactly to word a 50-character count message to someone I barely know from someone she likely doesn’t remember. 

Texting rule #2: if you can’t articulate what you want to say in a text by using acronymns, don’t send it. 

But it all seemed so funny and random at the time.  What are the chances that two moms from Chicago would have their children signed up for the same ski school program many miles away? I mean, I saw her kid there (and scanned the sign in sheet for pertinent information, g-d I’m such a stalker).  This coincidence NEEDED no, DEMANDED to be documented. So I did it. I rewrote the message several times and when I landed on a version that I thought was the least-SWF-ish I hit send.

Texting rule #3: if you think your text reads like it’s coming out of nowhere, then it probably is.

Crap. Crap. Crap. What did I just do?

It felt so normal to send a text to a person I know by face but whose number I was guessing.  It seemed funny to bring up a silly chance encounter in 25 words or less via a little silver device. But I knew that when I didn’t hear from her for 24 hours that the damage had been done. After two days went by I tried and tried to “recall” the text.  Did you know that you can’t do that? I didn’t until this week. By yesterday, I knew all hope was lost. My text fell into the dreaded “who the F is this?” category.

Texting rule #4: if you don’t hear back from a text within 30 minutes, consider yourself text-less.

Problem is, I’m kind of addicted to my new BlackBerry Pearl and because I’m really not getting as many e-mails as I did when I was working, I like to have a reason to use it. (Yes, I’m a tech geek just like all these other women, shoot me.) I like the triple-beep noise the device makes when I recieve a message back. I like how much easier it is to use Smart-type than a numerical keypad to type the letters.  I like the immediacy and impersonal-yet-really-personal nature of the beast.

But when you text on a whim to a number you’re not sure will recognize you, you must be ready to face the consequences that the text might vanish into the technology abyss of the trash bin.  And if you’re trying to make new friends by this easy-but-dangerous mechanism, you might think twice before you hit the little green send button or you’ll get yourself a great case of text message remorse.

Texting rule #5: When in doubt, become friends first, get the number via normal means and just pick up the phone.

Tag: text message, mom friends, SAHM friends

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Cross-posted at the Chicago Moms Blog, where I know my text messages would be recognized.

The cat’s out of the proverbial bag, or I should say, office.

No, I’m not pregnant.

I quit my job.

Last day’s next Thursday.

I don’t have another job. I’m going to test out the waters of being an SAHM for awhile and see how it goes.  I mean, I do have a few things in the fire, of course, but not going to commit to anything quite yet.

I’ve been nervous to tell you because I love my working mom compadres out there, but this is just something I needed to do personally.  The tug ‘o war finally gave in and it gave in the direction of my family.

Feel free to call me ”off-ramped” or “decelerated” or whatever.  Per usual, I won’t stick to the typical labels.

And, I’ll still be here blogging, but with a different point of view.

I hope you’ll all stay with me as I set forth on my new adventure.

Yours truly,

Self-Made Mom (a.k.a. working mom flunkie)

I thought my fine tuned organizational skills at work would behoove me in ordering holiday cards this season, the first season I have ever send out holiday cards.  Boy, was I wrong.  A list of my comedy of errors:

• Cheaping out and buy the minimum amount of cards I think I need and then having to reorder more at the last minute. Read: friends who receive the cards after Dec. 26, I’m sorry.
• Ensuring all my “new” mom friends receive such card, to the expense of “old” friends.  Old friends of my husband, that is.
• Ordering too few fancy return labels so that I have to pick and choose who gets to see my matching label and card. Read: Friends of my husband, I don’t think you care about such things.
• Getting umpteen paper cuts from undoing and redoing such cards to ensure only my friends get the matching label and card.  Thank goodness I have Gloves in a Bottle to fix my dry cuticles.  Oy, my cheap ass is turning into such a shill.
• Using an old mailing list from my wedding four years ago such that I have no confidence if my addresses are correct or not. Returned holiday cards are such a killjoy.
• Using an old mailing list from my wedding four years ago marked up with check marks of who I invited to my son’s first birthday party such that I forgot to send a holiday greeting card to anyone who wasn’t invited to the birthday bash.  Hence, the need for additional cards at the last minute.
• Having to lie to dear husband on several occasions when he calls and asks, “did you send a card to XX?” and I know for sure they didn’t make the cut.

Maybe this is the reason he said Jewish people shouldn’t send out holiday cards?

Getting dressed up and going to work occasionally has its privileges.  Like today, for instance.  I was able to wear my favorite new sweater dress and boots (it’s finally dipped below 50 degrees in Chicago, yay!), and could easily justify sneaking away for a few to attend a mom blogger event.  Add to it that I was able to meet up with some blog friends and I nearly forgot that I was on the hook for at least 10 major client deliverables by the end of the day.  This adequately describes a luncheon I went to today put on by a large office supply company (not sure if my firm represents them so not listing them by name yet) to talk about cool tech-y stuff you can buy for the holidays.  Of course, the tech pro on hand to help us all learn about the newest gadgets and gizmos was none other than Beth of Techmamas. She is the tech savvy one.  Me? As I told the crowd: I can buy the gadgets but I can’t seem to use or fix them properly.

However, I am a good note taker and copiously wrote down some thoughts as you peruse the consumer electronic aisles of your favorite stores. 

1. If you’re going to buy a point and shoot digital camera, go for one with a lot of megapixels. 7.1 works. And an optical zoom of 3X doesn’t hurt either.  When the conversation turned to face recognition, though, I admittedly started eating my lunch and tuning out.  They served a good salad, I mean, chocolate.

 

If you look closely, you might see a teensy weensy bit of chocolate cake left. Just a little bit.

2. Digital photo frames are Paris-Hilton-hot right now.  And they’re not as expensive to buy as they might seem.  I want Wendy to buy me the one she has with the wireless card that updates the photos on the frame as they are uploaded to the computer.  Think she’ll pop for it for me?
3. GPS devices give you REAL TIME TRAFFIC updates.  And they’re easy to put in your car.  If you live in Chicago, this is a no brainer.
4. Contrary to popular belief, laptops can be purchased for less than $1000.  And they aren’t made of plastic.  They’re like from a reputable brand. If you’re going to get one of these machines, though, Beth says you should have 2MB of RAM and a 120GB drive.  (I sound so tech-savvy! I’m quitting my day job!)
5. Now, this one is serious.  We all should back up our hard drives to avoid major catastrophes like your computer going to a “blue screen” while your keyboard begins to smoke. (No, this didn’t happen to me, but it sounded good, no?) You can buy a back up drive or go online and back up your system.  Please ’scuse me while I get up off of my lazy ass to go make sure the 71,000 photos I have of junior don’t just disappear now into thin air.

After all of this copious note taking we all then moved on to the display table.  Being the least tech savvy of the bunch, I went straight for the Crayola squeezable paint brushes and had my way with the fair princess.

At least I didn’t splatter the paint all over the new laptop, right?

Going back to my day job now.

Tags: techmamas, tech advice, gadget advice for moms, tech savvy moms,

As I sit here feeling bad for myself for various things, like missing my son’s pre-pre-pre school class because I’m working, I remind myself that things could be worse. A lot worse.

I could live in a society where play dates are akin to being invited to the royal court and being on the outs results in murder.

At least I have one less thing to complain about today.

Tags: Japan, murder mothers club, play groups, mom friends

Recently, I was able to sneak away for a few to help celebrate a friend’s birthday.  Of the 18 or so guests there (how she has time to keep so many friends, I have no idea) I was one of two that has a job outside the home in an office (was that PC enough?).

Perhaps it was my own insecurity, but I felt that I stuck out worse than Nicole Richie’s bump.  I couldn’t really participate in conversations of “leotard buying” (that has more to do with the fact that I have a boy); “plans for the fall” (already committed to the one activity I have time for); or the “must-have Tory Burch shoes” (extra income does NOT mean I have time to use it.)  It didn’t help that I found out through these conversations that I had missed the pre-sale at Bloomie’s and the lunch date at the hot spot in my neighborhood. So be it. I just got assigned a new account at work! Now who doesn’t want to gossip about that!?

But with all the nanny nonsense I’ve had on the brain, it was hard for me to focus.  Until a friend of a friend realized that I do have a job outside the home in an office.  And she wanted to know what it was like.  Because SHE might have the opportunity to have a job outside the home in an office.

And could I give her some advice?

Who me? You mean the one who made one nanny candidate come back THREE times to make sure she wasn’t a serial killer?  The one who has been on the phone all day and night and sat her son in front of Sesame Street for too long today while returning phone calls? You mean the one who didn’t cry on her first day of work? You sure?

You all know I love to shout my working motherhood status from the rooftops and promote a healthy alance-bay (I really can’t stand that word, but I love pig Latin) to anyone I meet.  So of course I’m happy to engage in a conversation.  But giving advice? Are you crazy?

In fact, just the other day, a nice working mom posted a comment in one of my posts about liking her schedule but not feeling “in the loop” but that’s what she should expect because she works part time.  And in her closing, she even asked what my thoughts were about this. Really?

It’s funny that once you start writing things, like blogs, people think you become sort of an “expert” in an area.  Thing is, one can never be an expert on working motherhood. Why? Because it’s personal.

The personal nature of should I, or shouldn’t I work can’t be answered in a succinct statement.  It can’t be boxed up or neatly packaged.  Unfortunately, I don’t know how you’re going to feel leaving your kid with a child care provider, be it a nanny, doula, grandma, potential serial killer. I can’t feel your feelings.  I don’t know why you want to work.  We all have different motivation and reasons.  I know I’m a better mom if I keep busy at a job. But that’s me.

Making the choice, the decision, to re-enter the workforce, to give up control of your child just a little bit, to take on extra responsibilities is an incredibly daunting and tiring process.  It’s gut-wrenching, happy, exciting, sad and frightening all at the same time.  How can I possibly articulate and opine about what it might be like for someone else?  If I could be a working mom cyborg for you, I would. I really would. Especially if you are really buff and sexy.

I’ll be a sounding board.  I’ll be a good listener.  I’ll speak from my experience. I’ll be a good friend.

But I’ll never give you advice on what to do.  I just can’t on this topic.  Just like you’d never tell me if I look fat.  It’s too personal.

The word is officially out that my nanny quit and only gave me two days notice to find a replacement.  Everyone’s been so nice and thoughtful offering to help out anyway they can.

So why is it then, that after my friends offer to help, they ask me this:

Are you going to quit?

Yes, I’m not in the greatest place mentally or emotionally right now.  And yes, the thought of finding yet another nanny and resuming the dreaded search process makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and scream.

But does it mean that I should give up?  That finding someone else to care for my son is so challenging that I should just call it quits and stay at home? I hate quitting.  I like challenges.  And while I’d never continue the battles of finding quality child care just for the sake of “winning,” I’m not sure walking away right now is the answer either.

Truth be told, this is the toughest moment I’ve had to endure as a working parent. I’ve been hung out to dry and I’m angry and bitter.  It makes my stomach churn to have to transition my son yet again to another caretaker.  But to walk away from all I’ve built up here at work?

That really makes me nauseous.  Especially now that I have my fabulous view permanently in place.

So a funny thing happened at work yesterday.  Somebody (ok, the head honcho)  tried to coordinate a “team dinner” for the evening.  Three years ago, an outing like this would have been a fun diversion after work.  Hell, if someone had given me the head’s up last week I would have happily accepted a freebie dinner in lieu of my typical supper of mac n’ cheese.  Dinner out after work is always a good idea, in theory.  Except when it’s planned only 7 hours in advance.

I don’t do last minute anymore, sorry.

My immediate reaction to last minute plans these days, especially those involving work, is to fume and rant around my office.  (I haven’t moved yet, so I don’t have fun windows to look out of and scream obscenities.) 

No one ever remembers that I have a young child I need to take care of after work.

That’s why I always remind them. 

As you are well aware, I don’t hide in the mommyhood closet.  I just come right out and say what the truth is.  I don’t mean to bash you over the head with the idealistic viewpoint I take, but my actions yesterday caused quite a debate between my friend and I so much that we had this wacky idea to have dueling blog posts about it today.

See, this good friend of mine hides behind her motherhood like a coat in the closet.  Other women keep motherhood a secret too.  I like a good coat and all, but my feeling is that if you can’t stay true to yourself and your life, well, then you’re selling yourself short.  In my defense, I work for a very understanding boss and employer, who “gets” it. (Don’t you love that saying?)  And I feel that I have nothing to lose in my “take it or leave it, I’m a mom now” approach.

That’s why I was just honest and forthright about why I couldn’t make the last minute dinner request.

“I can’t do it, I’m sorry.”

And guess what? The head honcho understood.

In my book, there’s nothing wrong with laying it on the line and coming right out from your closet.  Except if that coat you’re hiding behind is made of a fine tweed. Or has Burberry plaid. Or is mohair.

Considering I live in the host city of the 2007 BlogHer conference, and I blog with many fine Chicago mommies, I thought it was my duty to share with all visitors some things to see or do in the city outside of meeting our favorite bloggers and partying it up. I even recruited a few friends to help expand my short and narrow-minded list.  Trust me, we’re better than any concierge at the W.

Sadly, my hubby nixed the idea that I camp downtown Chicago for the weekend. Boo.  But, if you are so lucky to be staying just off the Magnificent Mile, you might just enjoy the following in the Windy City.  (I personally believe the nickname is derived from politics, not by the strong winds off Oak St.  Just be glad you’re not visiting us in December!)

Eating Out: Why watch what you eat? You’re going to be hanging out with all women for the weekend, anyway.

• Pizza-  Although I prefer New York Style pies, many like Chicago-style pizza, with its oddly square-cut pieces that leave you with only a few crust options and center pieces of all cheese. But I digress.  Some choices for the ‘za: Giordano’s, (Rush St. location), Lou Malnati’s, or Gino’s East (East Superior location).  I like Lou Malnati’s the best, but you’ll have to take a cab. The deep-dish pepperoni pie just might be worth it, though.
• Quick bite or snack- My friends at the Chicagoist turned me onto this neat little market off the Mag Mile called L’Appetito.  Seriously, the sandwiches rock.  And they won’t cost as much as the peanuts from your snack bar.
• For the serious foodie in you - Head on over to Randolph St.  A short short cab ride away will offer you 3 consecutive blocks of some of the best eats in the city.  I’m partial to the sushi at Sushi Wabi.  But I realize that if you’re flying in from California, you’re probably laughing at the idea of sushi in Chicago.  So go to Red Light or Avec instead. Your stomach will thank me.

Out and About: You don’t have any kids with you… steal away for a few!

• Millenium Park- Everyone was skeptical when Millenium Park was built, but even the harshest critics were proven wrong. This free, 24.5 acre park has some of the coolest outdoor art I’ve ever seen.  And a free 8 a.m. exercise class will help you burn off all that great food you ate.  For more information about what to do at Millenium Park, read Kim’s great round-up.
• Lincoln Park - I know it’s like so cliche Chicago and all, but really, this park is ‘da bomb. There’s a free zoo, (petting zoo too!) a beach and conservatory.  And, oh yeah, every Saturday morning there’s a fresh “Green City” market.  (It opens at 7:00 a.m. so you have no excuse!)
• Architectural Tour - Chicago’s got some of the best architecture around, and the best way to see it is from our beloved river.  Take one of these river tours because it gives you the prettiest (and most relaxing) view of the incredible Chicago skyline.  You could take a walking tour instead, but well, I’m feeling too lazy right now to recommend that one.
• Navy Pier /Lakeshore Drive - Oh right, most of you are staying right next to this quintessential Chicago landmark and wonderful walking/ bike path. If you can break away from all the great speakers for a moment or two, tour around the Navy Pier grounds, ride the ferris wheel or rent a bike.  The view of the pier is great from any angle!
• Be like the paparazzi - If you don’t have time to do any sightseeing, the ladies at Cool Mom Picks are giving incentive to stalk out your favorite bloggers at the conference. Go on a BlogHer scavenger photo hunt and earn points to win cool stuff.

Shopping: You would all be lying if you didn’t want to do a little shopping while you’re all alone in the nation’s third largest metropolis.  Unfortunately, we don’t have that cool “no sales tax thing” that New York City does, but we do have some good places to get some great duds.  Trust me. I like to shop. A lot.

• State Street - Believe it or not, State Street between Wacker and Madison has some of the best discount shopping in any 4-block radius I’ve seen.  Besides checking out the summer sales going on at our beloved Marshall Fields, er, Macy’s flagship store, you’re just a stone’s throw from Nordstrom’s Rack, Filene’s Basement and H&M.  You didn’t come all the way to Chicago to go boutique shopping, right? 
• Oak St. - If you’re hitting it rich from your blog, you can probably afford to buy a thing or two at one of the chic boutiques on this famous Chicago shopping block just off the Mag Mile.  I’m not yet, so I just go down there and drool over the diamonds in the window at Graff. (I wonder how many more click-throughs I’ll need for that canary yellow one?)
• Boutiques - Unfortunately, most of the good boutiques in Chicago are a cab ride away.  But if you’re in need, check out Wicker Park (stretch of Division St. near Damen Ave.) or Armitage Ave. between Sheffield and Halsted streets.  Lori’s Shoes is still my favorite place to shop in the city.  Even if it’s worse than O’Hare’s security lines on a Saturday.

Most of all, enjoy the conference and your visit to our wonderful city!

Tags: blogher, Chicago, sightseeing, blogher conference 2007
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Cross-posted at Chicago Moms Blog where you can meet my fine Chicago mom blog friends!