Self-Made Mom

It’s inevitable whenever I meet a new mom the topic of do I work, stay home or what will come up.  I’m a talker and I’m also kind of nosy.  I like to know what other moms do in their spare time - who they are behind the veneer of Play-Doh and finger paint.  I love when moms reciprocate as well and try to find out a little about me.  In my post-working life I have so many different facets to share it’s sometime hard to know which ones to activate when.  Last week, for instance, when talking to a mom in my son’s camp class, I was volunteer mom.

In my head, moms who volunteer also have perfectly-bobbed hair, clean-shaven legs, wear white dresses with yellow flowers and a strand of pearls to bed.  Ok, so does Sarah Jessica Parker, but her hair is long and messy so she can get away with it.  I never pictured myself as a lady-who-lunches-while-addressing-envelopes-for-a-fancy-fundraiser.

This does not look like Little Miss Junior League.

But these are my new adventures.  Spending my time serving my community. Donating my time and talents to bigger causes.

That is, when I’m not being freelance writer mom.  Or SAHM mom.  Or even helicopter mom. (Ask my friends who attend playgroup at my house).

Increasingly I realize that while I don’t necessarily want to have a job, I like having the ability to activate the workhorse part of my personality. Like when I get to be “I’m a legit blogger” mom.  A line created by my husband defending the “you have a blog?” inquiries at a work dinner. 

I also like being able to turn it off.  Like those days where I laze around, go to the gym, get my nails done and leisurely pace the aisles of Target at 2 pm on a Wednesday.  I have those moments too.  Even Diego’s Rescue Pack must get tired of being activated all the time.

Even Rescue Pack can’t get out of Target without spending at least $100.

My version of adventure is finding new and different outlets for myself.  Outlets for my brain, my body, my future.  I like having challenges outside of putting together 3-D puzzles that a three-year-old should be able to do, but I can’t seem to figure out.  It’s nice to say I was elected to something that I believe in, and to have the ability to help out another organization with skills I learned on the job.

The six-month bug is itching me bad.  Now that I’ve got a little momentum behind me, I like the thought of being busy with something that requires me to use Excel spreadsheets again. Just as long as it doesn’t interfere too much into my time with the world’s best sidekick.

I’d take a two-year-old over Baby Jaguar any day.

I’ve had some close encounters of the working kind in the past week. Remarkably, since I left my job, I’ve had little to do with my former coworkers. It’s not out of spite or anything. (Although I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate me calling them at 1 pm while they’re at their computers and I’ve just finished watching an episode of Top Chef).  It’s just that I’m being lazy about the whole “networking to get back in the workforce someday thing” and I have no urge to really know what I left behind me.  I wish I could say that I miss work, but I don’t, actually. So while I like to hear from my old friends, I don’t have that morbid curiosity about me wondering, “are they getting by without me?” Because I’m sure they are.

However, in the last week, I’ve gotten some pokes from my former colleagues and work associates.  My old team took me out to a very nice “going away” afternoon tea where I gorged myself on scrumptuous handmade scones and shrimp sandwiches until my stomach hurt. (Cut me some slack. Most of my lunches these days consist of french fries and an occasional crust of grilled cheese.)  My colleague even asked me before our get together if I was excited to bust out some of my old corporate wardrobe again. Like I all I wear are Uggs and leggings all day every day. Please.  It was actually somewhat entertaining to put on a shirt that buttons, pants that aren’t made of denim and have somewhere to be with adults at 3 pm, but by 5 o’clock, I was relieved to go home, take off my thong underwear (I have little problem with panty lines while I’m at home) and slip on my momiform.

I mean, after we discussed gossiped about all our old clients, what was I supposed to talk about? My “blog” which is so “cute?” My son, who’s growing up faster than I care to believe? My coworkers are childless and I’m not sure they were that interested in the latest potty training techniques. Plus, it’s not like I’ve been very good at keeping up with marketplace trends; I’ve let my “work” magazine subscriptions all but completely lapse in the three months since I stepped out the door.

This lack of interest in the working world wasn’t just obvious over Darjeeling and jam. I’ve had other work-related avoidances as well.  For example, I turned down a good freelancing opportunity last week. I blew off a former colleague who wanted me to speak to his class. I’m even bailing on a “how to be a better freelancer” seminar this week that I’m supposed to go to with my new friend and learn how to market myself better.  Freelancing lesson #1: don’t bail on popular blog friend for night at home. (Truth be told I am staying at home to prepare for a vacation later this week, but my former gunner self wouldn’t let a silly thing like vacation get in the way of some good networking.)

I’m sure somewhere out there Leslie Bennetts is signing Hail Marys praying for my working mom salvation. I’m a serious ”keeping myself in the mix” flunkie. I’m a career-path dropout.  Hell, I’m not keeping that “key contacts” roster alive. You know, the one I’m supposed to keep so that if in six months I’m going ballistic with a temper-tantrum-throwing-toddler and I want to go back to work it will be seamless.  On paper, I’m setting myself up for complete failure. But I’m keeping hope alive that the way everyone else judges what moms do when they stop working will somehow change if and when I decide to ever be a “working” mom again.

That just being me doing what I want to do when I want to do it will be enough. I’m not giving into the career Grim Reaper yet.

There was a point in time about two months ago where I made a decision not to go on a business trip because I didn’t have to, and things would be so much easier at home if I didn’t go.

I passed on a golden opportunity to shine in front of senior management so that I could help my husband set up my son’s ginormous plastic kitchen.  The moment I made that decision, I felt the weight of all the mommy guilt I’ve ever known lifted off of my shoulders and I was as happy as I’ve ever been since I had my son.

I knew then that the working thing just wasn’t going to work anymore.

There also was a point in time two days ago, after having SpaghettiO’s hurled at me (I experienced a whole new meaning to “uh oh, SpaghettiO’s”), when I read a client e-mail that said, “too bad you’re leaving us, we’re really going to miss you” and thought, “what the hell did I just do?”

The working thing wasn’t working anymore, but would the stay-at-home mom thing work better?

I think so.  But if you’re neurotic and nervous like me you can never know if you’re making the “right” decisions.  All I could do, I told myself, was weigh all the options (including not being able to buy everything on winter sale right now) and do what my gut told me.  That I want to retreat from corporate America and stay home with my son. 

With no regrets.

Some people may think I’m making a huge mistake.  Others may peg me as part of the opt-out revolution, just wasting my hard-earned degrees.  I’m going to think of myself as semi-retired.  Taking an extended honeymoon from conference calls, deadlines (of the client imposed kind), performance reviews, management headaches and just about anything that forces me to dial in, strategize, plan or “noodle.” (G-d I HATE that last word.)

Instead, in my retirement, I’m going to put on makeup when I want to, eat breakfast with my son every morning, hang out at Gymboree and catch up on the latest style of sneakers (how’s that for stereotyping!?) I’m going to figure out how to fill my days with playdates, home cooking, story time and lots of cuddling.  I’m hoping I can turn around my son on that last one.  He’s not so into cuddling.

I’m not going to wither away into Wisteria Lane, though.  I’ve still got a few things up my sleeve.  But I’m going to say no to the distractions that were making me feel that I was doing neither the mom nor the work thing well.  I’m going to stop juggling, and balancing, and doing whatever it is that was barely keeping my head above water for the last 17 months. And the thing is, as I enter my last day as a working mom, I feel more optimistic about my future career plans, whatever they are or aren’t, than I ever have. 

I know that I’m extremely lucky and fortunate and blessed to have this opportunity and I’m not going to take it for granted. I’m going to seize it and channel my inner Bree Van de Kamp.  No! I’m not setting performance goals for myself anymore.  I’m just going to be me.  Mom of a toddler, wife of a lawyer. 

With no regrets.

Tags: Feminine Mistake, opt-out revolution, working mom, SAHM, work-life balance

I think my last post was a bit of a bust (why does no one else get that joke!?), so for right now I’m going to stick with the basics.

First, I thought I’d tell you exactly what I do for work.  Hell, one of you actually asked me, so that warrants at least some sort of response, right?  And then, because it’s been nagging me for awhile, we’re going to debate if working part-time is working half-assed.  Sound fun? Great!

Technically, I help companies “strengthen their relationships with their employees to achieve business objectives.”  Really, what I really do all day is try to convince companies why employees matter to a company’s bottom line and why ignoring them is really dumb for business.  Get it? Great. Let’s move on.

What’s really been nagging me the last few days is the notion of working part-time equals working half-assed. When my friend quit her part-time job, she mentioned that she felt that she couldn’t give work her “all” and couldn’t give her home life her all either.  She felt that working part-time wasn’t really “working” because she had to give up esteemed projects and not be in on everything possible at work.  Another friend of mine, who recently went back to work and is contemplating quitting said that she doesn’t like to do anything “half-assed” and that working part-time feels like she’s doing it half-assed.

Well, duh.

No matter how you slice it, I’m not sure you can work part-time and:

1) be involved in every major project at work

2) be privy to every important conversation

3) be looked at as a go-to person for every last minute project, crisis, etc.

And I’d like to emphasize that I don’t think these are necessarily negative things, but they are points of consideration that one should think about when working a reduced schedule.  I mean, let’s be honest (I’ll be honest), there is a reason one chooses to come back to work part-time after maternity leave. Because you’re NOT READY or willing to give 100% of your life to work.  I think as long as you set your intention this way it’s ok.

And I don’t think this necessarily means you’re a slacker.

I know that right now, with my reduced schedule I am contributing to major pieces of business, winning new clients (i.e. convincing them that investing in employee communications is not dumb), and am a valued part of the team.  I don’t work on my days off (usually), but when I’m at work I give it my all.  So I guess if you slice it this way I am half present at work.

This most likely means I am not on the fast-track to a promotion.  Or that I will lead our group’s “marquis projects.”  But that’s not my intention right now.  My intention is to create a career path that I’m comfortable with for employers who can work with me through my “decelerated” times (to borrow a word from some smart ladies).  Most likely, at some point, I will ramp back-up my schedule and it will ultimately pay off for my employer because I’ll be more loyal to them and the company I work for.  I hope it works out this way. Maybe that’s why I’m in the kind of work I’m in. To be living proof.

I know some of what I say here is counter to things I’ve said before.  But the more I work part-time, the more I see its reality, both good and bad.  No matter what you do, or how you decide to live your life as a mom people will judge you.  In this way, I’m sure to some people, my ramblings prove that I’m just half-assing it.  But I’m ok with that.  Because really, at the end of the day, I’ll do pretty much anything to keep my backside slim.

Tags: part-time work, flexible work schedules, maternity leave

Take one part an ever-demanding workforce and two parts smart women and you get the next book I’ll be reading after I finish this one: Mass Career Customization - Aligning the Workplace with Today’s Nontraditional Workforce.  I actually learned about this book a couple of days ago from a colleague of mine, but a post on the Time Work In Progress blog jogged my interest.

The book, as described on the website is, “a wake up call to corporate America and a guidebook for business leaders.”  Its premise is based on nixing the general assumption that more flex time is what we need.  Instead of flex time, the authors Cathy Benko and Anne C. Weisberg, argue we should be fighting to customize our career into four dimensions: Pace, Workload, Not Restricted, Role and gauge where you are in these four categories (i.e. Accelerated or Declerated.)  The result would look something like a “sine wave of sorts, with climbing and falling engagement over time.”

At first glance, I buy this argument (without the consulting mumbo-jumbo.) I’d like to say that my part-time schedule is keeping me in line to get a promotion at my next review, but in reality, it probably isn’t.  And that’s probably okay right now, because I am on some sort of decelerated path.  I could accelerate if I wanted to, maybe in the “mid-career” bucket a long, long time from now. 

The premise of mass career customization is good in theory, and as the Time WIP blogger Lisa Takecuchi Cullen says it’s ”all well and good for a huge, rich and diverse employer like Deloitte.”  And she points out the issue of rating yourself to the point of getting caught up in a “hypercompetitive atmosphere” with your peers.

I’m just hoping this isn’t just another interesting theory that gets scuttled in silly Mommy War debates.  Because if we can start consuming our work-life like we consume our TV programs, food and clothing, we may start to make real waves outside of a nice four-dimensional chart.

Tags: mass career customization, Deloitte, Cathy Benko, Anne Weisberg

I can’t stay away from the blog for long. Not when Working Mother magazine comes out with their 100 Best Companies List and I miss posting about it by one day.  I HAVE to make my second (or is it third?) re-entry during a week when something actually newsworthy comes out about us working moms. (Isn’t that my thang?)

So here’s the scoop.  Devra pointed out that the list is stretching the notion of third-party credibility a little too far.  Susan doesn’t think that the “best” will get better without some pushing from the government.  Me? I know deep down that these lists are just a massive PR effort put forth by some low-level hack right out of college.  No, sorry.  Three years out of college. 

My major dilemma with such lists is why do people take them so seriously?  The criteria probably isn’t too rigid (I wish we could see the whole form on their website somewhere without me having to register).  And I’m actually thankful that companies on this list probably are doing more than most companies at least by the fact that they have the goal to be on this list in the first place.  There are worse things a company could pay a PR firm to do with its time do with its time.

That being said, I do see some room for improvement.  Some questions I’d love to add to the survey (of which I have never seen):

• How often does your boss roll his/ her eyes when you ask to leave 10 minutes early to pick your kid up from school?
• How often do you let your subordinates “work from home” on last minute notice?
• How many workers in the office have “I love mom” posters hanging on the wall?
• What is the ratio of women who are ”skinny bitches” vs. “trying to lose the baby weight”?
• What is the percentage of men who know not to ask a woman if she’s pregnant 10 weeks post-partum? (this one assumes a long, paid, restful maternity leave. Ha!)
• Do you have someone on staff to ensure that the snack machine doesn’t have any food with more than 5g of fat in it?

Who’s welcoming me back to the blogosphere?  Can I get a woo-woo?

Until I feel like blogging again…

Tags: working mother magazine, 100 best companies for working mothers, flexible work arrangements, working moms

I’ve always known it, but this article solidified it.  I’m not cut out to be the breadwinner of our family.  It’s not that I don’t have the ambition or the drive to be good at my job.  I do.  It’s not that I want to opt-out or off-ramp or whatever silly buzzwords exist to define working motherhood.  I don’t.

It’s that I get edgy and nervous when I’m under pressure.  I’m worse than that Miss Teen USA contestant.  I don’t like being in charge all the time.  I know I keep saying this, but I can’t keep up with everything mounting up around me.  I can’t “do it all.” I don’t know how to take two business trips in a row without getting a pit in my stomach.  I have a hard time being cheery and bright-eyed for my son in the wake of stress at work.  I forget how to be a good and understanding wife after a long day.  When the stress of the job builds, I just become more exhausted, overwhelmed and cranky.  I’m not saying those mommy-breadwinners don’t feel this way.  But while they’re probably solving the world’s energy crisis, my typical big worry of the week is what class to sign my son up for on my day off. 

Exacerbating my stress about this topic is that I feel I’m a part of a momosphere that is decidedly feminist and that I’m not living up to my end of the bargain.  While I’m pro-choice, pro-civil liberties (not of the Bush kind), pro-everything-you-want-to-do-how-you-want-to-do-it, at the core, I still like it that my husband is the one who worries about the big things.  I admire those women who rise to the top, do it all and more.  I can relate to a  lot of what they say, but a lot of it is different for me.  I have a job that’s on my terms, one where my husband was more concerned with how happy I’d be than how much money I’d make.  And I make some sacrifices as a result.  But they are sacrifices I can afford to make.  I live a life where I’m somewhat oblivious to reality.  I come by it honestly.  I grew up very pretty sheltered due to the fact that my father had it rough and wanted to protect my brother and I from his worries.  It’s not a good thing, but sometimes it’s all I know.  And while my husband is trying to break the mold, he also helps to perpetuate it by being the breadwinner and not asking me for more than to be happy and be the primary caretaker of our son.  I’m sure this all sounds incredibly old-fashioned, and well, it is, but I like it this way.

But there’s a part of me that knows I should try to be an agent of change; that I should try to make more of a difference.  To be the best.  To help others more. To earn more money.  But I can’t do it right now.  I don’t have it in me yet.  I’m just happy to be me.  Little ol’ non-breadwinner, part-time working mom, possibly not-feminist, rookie-blogger me.  And that’ll have to do for now.

I’m full of empty threats about quitting my job because I can’t find a decent nanny.  But sometimes things happen that bring me back to earth about why I need to work. 

For one, if I stayed home, I’d be forced to learn how to wrap birthday presents, as I wouldn’t be able to play the “I didn’t have time, I was in the office all day that’s why your kid’s present looks like crap” card.

Not just a nanny flunkie, but a wrapping flunkie as well.

And, I would have no reason to be one of the new contributors to one of my favorite working mom websites- Mommy Track’d!  Check out my post this week about how much I love going to work on Mondays.  That is, when I have a stable child care situation. (Ok, I’ve got to stop bitching about the nanny situation. Soon, I promise.)

Tags: Mommy Track’d, working mom, writing mama, nanny

That title get you? Did you actually think I meant that I was going to start working instead of blogging? Ha! No seriously.  I looked back at some of my recent posts and realized I’ve taken a bit of a vacation from writing about what really gets me going - the ups and downs of working motherhood (with a bit of celebrity thrown in.)  But this week I’ve had some good conversations with some “experts” and read some interesting articles I need to report back to you all on.  Hopefully this will tide y’all over until I can “live blog” at BlogHer. (Didn’t that sound all big and bad?)  Here goes:

You say Ay-quent, I say Ah-quent: 
So today, I spoke with Denise Nash of Aquent (it’s pronounced ay-quent, not ah-quent) - the staffing agency for marketing professionals.  Denise is the “Director of Work-Life” for the organization and helps Aquent with sponsorships, build awareness, etc.  The company has been around for 20 years and staffs marketing experts on a project basis. They’re huge - 70 offices in 16 countries! Most of their “consultants” are MBAs with 5-7 years experience.  I checked out the website and it seems like they have some really promising opportunities for people who want to be staffed on short-term-to-permanent jobs. 

Does process work with part-time?
Yesterday, I had lunch with an old professor of mine from graduate school.  (By old, I don’t mean age, I mean I went to school awhile ago.) Over the biggest Chinese chicken salad I ever saw, we discussed my current part-time work situation.  He began to tell me his dealings with a major major corporation and their adherence to the Six Sigma practice. He challenged me with this question: Can you work in a part-time capacity and still fulfill the tenets of Six Sigma or some other corporate mumbo-jumbo process? Of course, my inital reaction was “yes,” but really, I’m too brain-dead to fully figure out the answer. What do you think? I told him I’d get back to him with a response. Stat. Or else he said he was going reverse my grade point or something evil like that.

Some gratuitous B-celebrity working mom news:
It’s been awhile since we’ve gotten good “celeb” working mom news.  But I read two stories today that caught my eye:

1. Did you know Lindsay Davenport is back on the courts? She must be super-human because she only had a C-section like 6 weeks ago.  I mean, she’s not playing in the U.S. Open, or anything, so she’s not that cool, but still.  My favorite line from the article: “It’s [her return to work] turned into a bigger story than I’m comfortable with.”  See? The media is STARVING for a new celeb working mom.  You go, Linds.
2. My favorite news anchor is preggo!! Campbell Brown, who dresses way too conservatively for me, but who’s no-nonsense attitude I love is with child.  And she’s got a new job at CNN, where she will be eight months pregnant when she goes on the air! Talk about interviewing for a new job knowing that you’re already pregnant.  And I love that she thinks she’ll be ready to go back to work by Feb. 5 for big-state primaries.  That’s so cute, Campby.

That’s all I got for now… toodles til’ BlogHer!

Tags: Campbell Brown, Lindsay Davenport, working mom, Aquent, Denise Nash, BlogHer

So a higher-up at work stopped by yesterday to tell me that I’m moving offices some time in the next few weeks.  Normally, this would have brought on intense annoyance. I hate moving. I hate packing, and especially hate unpacking. With 3 1/2 years of clutter around me, I really don’t feel like coming in on a day off (which, of course, is how most moves take place) to shlep my crap down the hall just because someone said “we’re running out of space and Sally has to work on the floor.” I mean, seriously, can’t I get a better excuse here?

But instead of annoyance I received the message with a sly grin. Why, you ask? Well, well! It’s because I’m trading my stylish closet office for a grand palace with windows.  Having an interior office is such a tease. Yes, I have a place where I can shut the door on sick coworkers, but I am constantly reminded that I haven’t quite achieved greatness a window view yet.

A room with no view.

Which brings out a bigger issue.  Why do windows make me giddy with glee? Could it be my proposed new view of Chicago’s fine south side?

I’m so important with my new bad-ass view.

Or the fact that I get to make the movers bring me my file cabinets which shhh… aren’t really filled with anything important after all?

Three years of work and all I have to show are some lousy trash bags.

Oh, how I’m loving moving up in the world. 

Tags: office, office spaces, cubicles, Chicago