Self-Made Mom

What happens when you take two 30-something moms and send them to the Coldplay concert? They fit right in. I’ll admit, I was little hesitant heading into last night’s concert. What with the fact that I haven’t gone to a big-arena show sober in quite sometime. I’m sure the last time I headed to the United Center to see a band, I really didn’t care about guzzling beer on a weeknight. But in the land of mom, nothing sounds worse that swilling multiple beers on a Wednesday night when the concert didn’t start until 9 pm.  As my friend put it,

I’ll fall asleep if I have a beer right now.

But, we were in good company.  Never in my life have I seen more pregnant women, grey hairs and all out PEOPLE LIKE ME in one place. You know you’re at an old people concert when no one spills beer on your purse and the faintest smell of a certain smoke makes everyone gossip in their seats. 

Which was fine with me. Aside from a few lame-o guys trying their very worst pick up lines on my friend and I, (all I wanted to hear was the song “Yellow.” I didn’t want to engage in a discussion of the band “blowing their load early”) no one really bothered me and I walked out smelling fresh as an arena seat.  I didn’t get to sit down enough, but I also didn’t get dirty stares when I rested my old legs after 70 minutes of standing. 

I needed to conserve my energy for that long walk to my car.  Which led to my house.  And bed.  Which I was grateful to see at 11:30 pm.  Sorry, Pete. It’s too late for me to die before I get old.  I am already there.

I’ve been avoiding reading about all the fun everyone’s having at BlogHer this weekend because while they’re all meeting famous people, I’ve been sitting on my couch eating Crispix being coaxed into following the Tour de France again (I don’t blame him for not wanting to watch 27 Dresses, but still.)

Good times.

But then instead of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to put down my cereal box for a moment and read up on the parties and swag and baby kissing that I’m apparently missing.

Yeah, uhm, that all really doesn’t look as fun as watching men in spandex take major spills on the pavement.

Back to my box and the peloton.

Have fun, my friends.

Our weekly swim session at camp started out normally enough today with a lot of splashing, filling up the watering can and other assorted two-year-old activities. (No, mommy does NOT enjoy having her feet watered. Yes, you can play with the rubber frog squirt toy.) But what began as a benign activity of some of the moms mistaking the frog’s water stream for a little boy taking a whiz turned into something worse. Reality.

As I was changing such little boy out of his swim diaper, I felt a pull and a tug and those dreaded words,

Mommy I have to go pee pee.

So I let him go pee pee outside.  In the flowers.  On the Temple lawn.  Well, because that’s where camp is, and well, I didn’t have the foresight to run to the bathroom inside.

I’m going to hell.

The funny thing is, I totally thought that I had gotten away with the “sneaky pee.”  I somehow thought that the butt naked boy with his back turned to the crowded lawn wouldn’t attract any unwelcome glares.  But when we rejoined reality, I saw the teachers snicker and I knew it was over.

I let my kid pee on the Temple lawn.

Moms started exchanging stories.  Tried to tell me they’d all been there before, rushing to find the nearest porcelain g-d.  But none quite had defaced religious property.  I’m not sure how toilet training could get much worse at this point.

I’m going to hell.

Don’t you love when your friends send you photos of the fabulous places they’ve been on their summer vacations?  In tune with everyone’s favorite summer tradition, here is a recap of my summer vacation.  A.k.a. the reason I haven’t posted in like 15 internet years. Enjoy.

I shut off my laptop…

Read TWO books. Haven’t done that since I was at least 14.

Brought out, used, and cleaned up lots of sand toys.

And found yet another expired bottle of salad dressing in my mom’s vacation house pantry.  We almost ate it because we didn’t have any other options, but I couldn’t bring myself to it.

So tell me ladies (and gentlemen), since I’ve been MIA for awhile, how did you spend your summer vacation?