When the nanny is a non-believer

20th October 2007

When the nanny is a non-believer

posted in Child Care, Mom Rants |

Our family’s transition to our new nanny has not been easy. But as of late, my son’s stopped crying every time I leave for work, and I no longer feel the need to text her 37 times a day to see if my boy has pooped, napped or is happy.

We’re making progress. Well, sort of.

Just yesterday I found out my nanny doesn’t believe in Halloween. She doesn’t believe in it and she won’t celebrate it. She thinks Halloween is “celebrating evil” and doesn’t want to be a part of any celebrations, costumes, trick-or-treating or photo taking. (I guess I should hide that cauldron I bust out on really bad days.)

Obviously I respect her decision and realize that not all of us are cut out for pumpkin carving, ghost storytelling or dressing up. But how do I respect her choices when it affects my son? She basically told me straight up yesterday that she won’t take my son to any parties, get his photograph taken or put him in his costume. And since Halloween falls on a Wednesday this year, and I happen to work on Wednesdays, I’m worried my son is going to miss out on the first Halloween that may actually understand what is going on. (The consistent answer of “roar” when I ask him what he’s going to be for Halloween (a lion) is a suspect clue, but still.)

On one hand I understand she needs to stand her ground and not do anything that may make her uncomfortable. On the other hand, her argument makes no sense to me considering she takes my son to a pre-pre school class at our Jewish synagogue. I am pretty sure she doesn’t celebrate Purim.

So where do I draw the lines between ensuring that we are understanding employers and ensuring my son enjoys all aspects of his childhood? I know I can’t force her to believe in something she doesn’t, but couldn’t she just pretend one day for the sake of my child?

And doesn’t she realize she’s missing out on all of those great bite-sized candies?
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Cross-posted at Chicago Moms Blog

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1 On October 20th, 2007, Shelly said:

Ok, that’s a bit odd. For myself, I’ve always disliked Halloween - even as a kid. I’m the weird one who would feel perfectly at home in “regular” clothes at a costume party. I don’t really “get” adults who go all out for the holiday - especially non-parents.

That being said, hello, the whole point these days (let’s forget the original pagan purpose, etc..) of the celebration is about the kids. I would NEVER refuse to take my kid to stuff or not let her go to parties or celebrations etc.. In fact, I’m taking off work to attend her first kindergarten halloween parade.

Wish I could give you advice on how to handle. Is it a religious objection or something else? Can you get a friend to take him?

Good Luck!

2 On October 22nd, 2007, Elizabeth said:

I understand both sides. As a christian, I’ve had to make a decision about whether to even celebrate Halloween with my own little girl. And I’ve decided that yes, we will have fun dressing up, carving pumpkins, and trick-or-treating for all that yummy candy (that mom will eat, of course!)because it’s purely a commercial and fun holiday celebrated in this way. Of course, there is the dark side that involves much evil and violence (I’ve lived in Detroit during Devil’s Night scariness), but for me, there’s a wide distance between that kind of celebration and the fun of just dressing up and eating candy. For all that, I love Christmas as the celebration of Jesus’ birth, but we also exchange presents and put up a Christmas tree (and what does that have to do with Christianity? Again, more purely commercial fun.)

On the flip side, it sounds like you have an incredible nanny, who loves your son very much, but for her own reasons and justification of faith, needs to sit Halloween out. Perhaps you can respect her feelings about that, and find a friend or family member who would love to spend the day with your son and have fun taking him around in his costume. (I know, I know, it’s really hard to find available babysitting like that, believe me, I know!) If you can, though, he’ll have fun dressing up, and you’ll have an employee who knows you respect her, and appreciate the many other ‘normal’ days that she spends caring for your son.

3 On October 22nd, 2007, Lisa said:

I live and move in conservative Christian circles, so I see both sides of this. I know lots of people, including my parents, who are just like your nanny. Their beliefs are a big part of who they are, so I wouldn’t force your nanny to go against her personal beliefs. What you can do is find a friend who would be willing to bring your child along when they take ther own children trick-or-treating. I’ve frequently done this on years like this one, when I have to work. I would also tell your nanny not to express her personal views on the day with your child.

4 On October 22nd, 2007, Christine DaSiva said:

Take the day off and do the Halloween thing with your kid yourself.
Stop obsessing about it. If she doesn’t want to participate,
make her.

5 On October 22nd, 2007, April said:

I would be inclined to take the day off and do the Halloween stuff yourself.

Regardless of her thoughts on Halloween being right or wrong (though as a Christian who loves Halloween myself, I might find it a little odd) she is still entitled to her opinion.

My son’s second Halloween was when he was 15 months old. Very oblivious. He just started getting it last year at 27 months. This year he is in the full swing and asks each night, “is tonight Halloween yet!” I would expect your son will still fall in the pretty oblivious stage, but it will be loads of fun to watch regardless!

6 On October 22nd, 2007, Emily said:

Gee this is a tough one. I am assuming that although you work on Wednesdays, you are going to be home for the actual trick-or-treating. From what you wrote, I gathered that there were school celebrations that she typically would attend with your son that she doesn’t feel comfortable participating in. I would suggest you send his costume, etc. to school with him and have his teachers dress him up. Maybe another parent can take care of him that day and the teachers can take him under their wing. That way your nanny doesn’t have to be involved in something she is uncomfortable with, but your son still gets to celebrate. She is entitled to not believe in Halloween, but you are entitled to have your son participate in activities that are fun and will make him happy. Best of luck! Let us know what you decide!

7 On October 22nd, 2007, Christy said:

I grew up with a pretty strict Christian mom, and we celebrated Halloween. Granted there were some restrictions that were imposed, such as no witches, ghosts, goblins or vampires. I was okay with that until the year all my friends decided we should go as vampires. I was to be a cheerleader again that year…I guess it affected me mo re that I though considering I still remember it like it was yesterday Oh well, I really just wanted that candy at the end of it all.

8 On October 23rd, 2007, J. Fergie said:

ooo, that’s a tough one.

my daughter started pre-school this year and a note was sent home specifically
requesting that parents not send their kid to school in costume on Halloween.

what’s the big deal?? i’m with you. it’s really just about the BITE-SIZED CANDIES.
Satan has nothing to do with it.

Well, actually maybe he does…

9 On October 23rd, 2007, Alex Elliot said:

I had a lab partner who also refused to celebrate Halloween or let her daughter dress up for it. I have two thoughts on it. The first is just because your son is dressing up doesn’t mean that she is celebrating it. It’s about him not her. You’re not asking her to get decked out in a costume. She’s escorting your son so that he could celebrate it. On the other hand, I tried to think about how I would feel if I were asked to escort someone to an event that I was really uncomfortable with like a very conservative religious service. I wouldn’t want to do it either. That’s a tough situation. Not be willing to take your son’s picture or help him into a costume sees extreme. Then again, I refuse to watch any movies with Mel Gibson in it. Let us know what happens. Off to clean my cauldron in the basement.

10 On October 31st, 2007, Hell-oween » Self-Made Mom said: