My big yellow taxi

18th October 2007

It’s been about a week since I wrote this. That’s like 3 months in blog years. And I’ve been casually silent since. But when my dad asked me today (yes, he reads my blog), “what was that post you wrote about last week?” I realized that it’s not fair to drag you all along on the journey of my mind without properly updating you along the way.

And if the last week since I wrote my unbloggable felt like 3 months, the last eight weeks since my nanny walked out on me has felt like 3 years. Nannygate left me feeling empty, bitter and hardened against working motherhood. That there was no point to being this stressed out.

The stress of trying to manage through a breakdown in the system created a whirlwind of self-doubt inside me.

Otherwise, why would I have hired a nanny I had mixed feelings about, but who is sweet, kind and good with my son and nearly replace her with one that turned out to be scary-psycho-emotional-bawled-me-out-made-up-her-references? (More on that another time if I can bring myself to relive that very bad week.)

Why would I contemplate quitting my dream “mom job?” (No, not that kind of a mom job.) Why would I care what my SAHM friends (they far outnumber my working mom friends) say about what it was like to stay at home full time? I nearly bombed a project at work by paying more attention to making playdates than PowerPoint presentations.

Why would I have had moments like this and like this and like this where I thought I was really ready for a project life change. I could start a this! I could do a that! It’s funny - even though I counsel clients on how to deal with change, I’m not so good about dealing with it myself.

But last week when I wrote this, I was faced with the potential of giving up all that I worked so hard for at work because some people didn’t have faith in my schedule. That my arrangement wouldn’t work. I had the perfect out - imperfect nanny, job that isn’t quite working, adorable child at home.

And that snapped me back to reality.

Did I really want that alternative right now? That major change?

No, not quite yet. So I decided to stand my ground and keep things at the status quo. Where they will remain for the time being. I’m slowing down my quest for the “perfect” nanny or my “dream” job.

I can talk a big game and threaten everyone that gets in my way, but at the end of the day, what I really want is what I already have. Truth is, I didn’t know how good I had it until it was almost gone.

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1 On October 19th, 2007, Shelli said:

Why does it seem we are all going through this at the same time? Ironic to think of how fortunate we are in the grand scheme of things, but constantly have this need to look too far into the future, not living for today.

I’ve come to my senses in the last couple of days too. It’s not the right time to have a major life change right now. Maybe someday, but not today.

2 On October 19th, 2007, Nancy said:

What Shelli said has struck me too — a lot of moms going through this same thing all at once.

I actually find myself to be where you are, sort of — I’m going to have to maintaint he status quo for now, but for different reasons. For me, I can’t afford to switch jobs now, and will have to go back to school to be properly trained. So I’m taking it slow. I have to, so I might as well be at peace with that fact.

3 On October 19th, 2007, Shannon said:

I went through this phase recently, too. Something in my heart
told me to stick it out with work. Like it or not, I think there is
a part of me that needs the validation of an outside employer being
willing to pay me for my talents.

I’m glad I stuck with working part-time. My days at home are great, but
I need my time at work, too. Recently we had an incident where the baby
spit up all over the cat, and I thought, “What if this was my whole
life?”

4 On October 19th, 2007, High Heeled Mama said:

Even us stay-at-home-moms have these issues. I just wrote about this last night, too.

We spend so much time worrying if what we’re doing is the right thing that we forget we’re the ones that define what that is. Sometimes we need to take a step back to realize that, my dear Dorothy, we had the power in those ruby slippers all along!

5 On October 19th, 2007, Marketing Mommy said:

Why is that we mothers worry so much about how well we’re doing balancing work, family and everything else? There’s always a better job, a better childcare situation, a better school and a better neighborhood out there somewhere, but the time and effort required to find *all* of them negates the potential upside.

I have a feeling men don’t beat themselves up in a quest for perfection.