I’m out of the closet. Again.

1st August 2007

I’m out of the closet. Again.

posted in Working Moms, Mom Rants, Mom Friends, Flexible Work Arrangements |

So a funny thing happened at work yesterday. Somebody (ok, the head honcho) tried to coordinate a “team dinner” for the evening. Three years ago, an outing like this would have been a fun diversion after work. Hell, if someone had given me the head’s up last week I would have happily accepted a freebie dinner in lieu of my typical supper of mac n’ cheese. Dinner out after work is always a good idea, in theory. Except when it’s planned only 7 hours in advance.

I don’t do last minute anymore, sorry.

My immediate reaction to last minute plans these days, especially those involving work, is to fume and rant around my office. (I haven’t moved yet, so I don’t have fun windows to look out of and scream obscenities.)

No one ever remembers that I have a young child I need to take care of after work.

That’s why I always remind them.

As you are well aware, I don’t hide in the mommyhood closet. I just come right out and say what the truth is. I don’t mean to bash you over the head with the idealistic viewpoint I take, but my actions yesterday caused quite a debate between my friend and I so much that we had this wacky idea to have dueling blog posts about it today.

See, this good friend of mine hides behind her motherhood like a coat in the closet. Other women keep motherhood a secret too. I like a good coat and all, but my feeling is that if you can’t stay true to yourself and your life, well, then you’re selling yourself short. In my defense, I work for a very understanding boss and employer, who “gets” it. (Don’t you love that saying?) And I feel that I have nothing to lose in my “take it or leave it, I’m a mom now” approach.

That’s why I was just honest and forthright about why I couldn’t make the last minute dinner request.

“I can’t do it, I’m sorry.”

And guess what? The head honcho understood.

In my book, there’s nothing wrong with laying it on the line and coming right out from your closet. Except if that coat you’re hiding behind is made of a fine tweed. Or has Burberry plaid. Or is mohair.

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1 On August 1st, 2007, Shannon said:

I agree with you. Before I had a kid, I used to swear that I wouldn’t become one of those moms who always mentioned her kid in the context of making excuses for backing out of a social activity. But once I had the kid, I realized it’s more important to do what’s best for your kid than to go out of your way to avoid offending random friends. As you say, most people end up being very understanding.

I think you said you don’t work Wednesdays, in which case you missed free Good Humor day at the Aon Center … with kettle drum music for entertainment!

2 On August 1st, 2007, Shelli said:

Well said. I am right there with you. Why hide? …it just seems so needless to “pretend” we don’t have family commitments.

3 On August 1st, 2007, Jonathon Morgan said:

Because I run in circles where the majority of people don’t have kids, I tend to find myself in the same position. It’s easy to “hide” the fact that I’m a parent, easier to pretend I don’t have that obligation. But I’m with you (and the other commenters), life is easier when I’m not pretending, and if people don’t understand, we probably wouldn’t have gotten along for very long anyway.

4 On August 1st, 2007, BirdieRoark said:

I don’t mind that everyone knows that I have kid. But I always stick to my “I have a previous commitment” and leave it at that.

And I do try to make it to some of the last minute events. I think it is important to not hide behind the “I’m a mom and I never have to be social after work” banner that I see many moms start. But I try to say yes at least some of the time. I’d hate for people to just see me as a mom and stop asking me to join in on the fun stuff.

5 On August 1st, 2007, L.A. Daddy said:

It’s great you’ve got one who gets it. But I know why some hide. I can just see people being passed up for promotions and new opportunities because they’ll take the whole baby thing into consideration.

6 On August 1st, 2007, crazedparent/jobmom said:

You know how I feel:) It’s hard to do, and sure, not everyone can say no, but the more of us that do, the easier it will be for others to follow in our footsteps.

7 On August 2nd, 2007, GHD said:

I think you just have to make the distinction between having additional priorities,not OTHER priories. When I was working (I’m a SAHM, now), I found that it was all in the image you portrayed. My boss once made the comment to me that “she never even knew I had a child”… make of that what you will

I didn’t think I was “hiding” anything. I had baby photos on my desk and blocked off time on my calendar to pump, after all… but, while the other moms/dads in my office would stand around exchanging their newest “you won’t believe what junior did” stories, I came, I worked, and I left on time. I never asked another else to make compromises on my behalf and hit all of my deadlines. When a situation arose where I had to decline a dinner or run late, my dedication to my job was never questioned.

8 On August 2nd, 2007, Susan said:

Good for you! Wear your motherhood like a badge of honor. I frequently say no to after-work social opportunities, but once in a while, I surprise everyone with a yes. It’s good to keep ‘em on their toes.

Susan at Working Moms Against Guilt
http:/www.workingmomsagainstguilt.com

9 On August 2nd, 2007, Jill said:

I spent several years as the “head honcho” of an HR department and had to deal a lot with these kind of “mommy vs. not mommy” issues. I was single and childless at the time but I was always an advocate for parents’ issues. For example, I thought paid time off was biased against parents since many times they needed “sick days” because their child was ill. It certainly wasn’t a “vacation day”. Thus, I rolled all time off into one big pot and people could use it for whatever they wanted. I’m a mom now, and I proudly wear my mommy badge.

10 On August 2nd, 2007, Working Mom said:

Just 5 minutes ago, I had to tell my boss that I was not going out for drinks tonight with her and a few others while she is in town for the day. And you know what, she wouldn’t either! I love that she understands and values that I give everything at the office (especially to the blogosphere). I am what I am. Now, the paranoid part of me worries that my stinky little direct reports will be scamps while they are out with her!

11 On October 3rd, 2007, I’m such a liability they should take out an insurance policy on me » Self-Made Mom said:

[…] I don’t hide in the working mom “closet” pretending everything is alright on the homefront. I can’t stay late in the office every night to finish up work (that’s what going online at 8 pm is for!) I’m working at home more than I’m not because I have some crisis to monitor, and when I should be writing a communications plan I’m usually texting my nanny to see when my son went to bed. […]

12 On November 1st, 2007, This is why I’m staying just like I am… » Self-Made Mom said:

[…] at a meeting, wonderful. I am trying not to care how people at work judge me. As you all know, I’m out of the closet. That’s because I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not. Even if in someone […]