And I thought Jewish guilt was the worst kind of guilt…

21st March 2007

And I thought Jewish guilt was the worst kind of guilt…

That is until I watched the Today show this morning. Apparently, I missed the big news yesterday (I’m blaming it on vacation-brain) that moms are spending more time with their kids today than they did 40 years ago (10.2 hours a week in 1965 vs. 14.1 today.)

And working moms of the world are now breathing a sigh of relief that they aren’t ruining their kids’ futures by leaving them with a nanny, in day care, or with their fathers for the other 153.9 hours of the week. Right? (Did I do the math correctly? Remember, I’m match challenged.)

Wrong. Why?

Because moms and non-moms of all kinds are perpetuating such discussions that give guidelines to mothers how they should parent, manage their household, spend time with their partners and take time for themselves. I’m sorry, but mothers don’t fit into a little blue box tied with a bow. Or, at least this mother doesn’t (even though I love little blue boxes.)

Maybe I’m feeling irked by this topic because of the commentary by the guests on the Today show this morning. I’m sure the therapists the show found to comment on “mommy guilt” are smart, educated women, but if someone else tells me how to “structure my time at home” with a smile and fun tips, I’m going to lose it. I guess I could have tuned out when the one therapist started telling a story about an anonymous patient of hers (whether or not that was appropriate was a whole different issue), but I knew it’d make for a good blog topic (at least I’m transparent.)

In all seriousness, though, are there mothers out there writing down notes on how to avoid guilt? Or does the media just think that this is a good topic for their target audience? I’m not sure, but I’m starting to wish that moms (I believe the author of the study is a mom herself) would stop talking about mom guilt. Because the more we talk about how to avoid the guilt, the guiltier we feel, and by then, we’ve wasted the precious little quality time we actually have with our kids because we’re too worried about how not to feel guilty.

It’s worse than my Jewish mother yelling at me because I didn’t cook a ”home-cooked meal” for my husband. Oy gevalt.

On that note - somebody please talk to me about this. I’m starting to feel lonely, and I know you’re out there, somewhere. Do you feel guilty yet?

Tags: mommy guilt, work-life balance

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1 On March 21st, 2007, Marketing Mommy said:

Guilty? No. Conflicted as work and motherhood pull me in very different directions from time to time? Sure. But I love my job. As the primary breadwinner I *have* to work to support my family. And you know what? I’m glad my daughters will grow up seeing me pursue career success. Because I’d want the same for them.

Thanks for your rant. I too am tired of this angsty mommy wars bullsh*t.

2 On March 21st, 2007, Devra Renner said:

I’m tired of it too and I really wish the Today Show had contacted Aviva and me. We know a little about both kinds of guilt. The Jewish variety as well as the mommy kind. Both are present in society, but not nearly as misery producing as what is being portrayed right now. Also guilt should not be used as fodder for inciting a mommy war. Had Avvia and I been asked we would have been able to provide survey results of over 1300 parents, mainly moms, that indicate guilt happens regardless of employment status. Also dividing parents like that, just servess as a distraction from dealing witth the real source of much of our angst as parents. Policies, employers and laws that devalue caregiving in our society. Any caregiving, not just parenting!

3 On March 21st, 2007, L.A. Dadddy said:

You’re right. The best thing to do is just be a parent. Do the best you can and not worry about what others say you should or shouldn’t be doing. I try to just be a parent. I get that I’ll mess some things up and do other things better than anyone else.

4 On March 22nd, 2007, AmyBow said:

If it wasn’t for the freaking media perpetuating the idea that we should feel guilty, there would be a whole lot more content moms in the world. Up yours, media!

BTW - Lost was great last night. Although Locke’s daddy looks way younger than Locke. You know he isn’t suffering from any parental guilt.

5 On March 22nd, 2007, Amy said:

I agree with all of the above in that I’m tired of hearing of Mommy Guilt. My alternative would be to give up my job and stay home with my kids, however, we wouldn’t be able to own a house, own a car and I’m not even quite sure that at that point we would be able to afford to eat. At that point, would it be okay to not feed them because I was able to stay home with them instead of having a nanny?

6 On March 22nd, 2007, Kathy said:

Could not agree with you more. I’m SO tired of the media oversimplification
and dumbing down of this issue. There was a fantastic article in the Nation that touched
on this issue and the whole bogus idea that women should just get better at balancing
better and multi-tasking rather than expecting society to change (e.g., better options
for flex-time, men should be equal care givers, etc.). Women have been turned into a
’special interest group’ politically which is nonsense.
On a similar note, I have two small boys and travel some for my job and can’t tell you how many times
both friends and total strangers have said to me ‘oh, don’t you miss your kids?’ Do they EVER
ask this of fathers? What a stupid question, of course I miss my kids but I also like my job
and I’m trying to be both a person and a mother.
Sorry to ramble but had to comment.
Keep up the great work with the blog!!

7 On March 22nd, 2007, selfmademom said:

Thanks everyone for joining in on the conversation. I’m still wondering though, if there are moms out there who like this kind of advice and discussion. Maybe they are hiding out off the internet. And AmyBow- Lost was ridiculous. Best episode ever!

8 On March 22nd, 2007, Elizabeth said:

Life is busy whether you work, don’t work, have kids, don’t have kids.

No matter who you are, there’s going to be a time where you have obligations that prevent you from doing things that are important to you. That’s just the way it is.

Perhaps the time that people (that’s meant to be rhetorical “people”, btw, not addressed to anyone here)spend examining how much time they spend with their kids, could be better used by, I don’t know, spending time with their kids?

9 On March 22nd, 2007, NKYGAL said:

You kind of have to wonder if the numbers are skewed - not yours, the reports. I read a report today (can’t remember where - I know…) that said that fewer married couples are deciding to have children. As a matter of fact, it said that across the U.S. the number of married couples without children was more higher than the number of marreid couples with children. That could have something to do with the numbers.

I’ll look for the article and post again if I find it.

10 On March 23rd, 2007, Amy said:

I resolve to stop writing about guilt on my blog. I am a working mom and proud of it! I think we should band together and agree to ignore the noise. (Easy said than done, I know).

11 On March 27th, 2007, dorothy said:

When I started blogging when the little angel was three months old, pretty much every entry noted how guilty I felt. About working. Even though I have to, because I’m the breadwinner. About what she was eating, or not. About how much she was sleeping, or not (mostly not) and where (in her room, with me on the floor, when I prefer my soft bed).

Now that she’s almost three, I often find myself telling her and me and anyone that will listen to get over it, already, we love each other and it’s all good. Because, as my husband always says, it is what it is. And life goes on.