Self-Made Mom

Most women define their job by specialty. “I teach.” “I am a lawyer.”  However, Ms. Hasselbeck, of The View sees it differently as seen in a recent quote from Elizabeth Hasselbeck to People magazine. When asked about her job, she replied:

What’s great is, it’s a mom’s job… I can go home after the show, be a mom, clean the closet.

“I have a mom’s job”?  Hmmm… if having a “mom’s job” means I have to clean my closet then I want out of this working mom thing.  My closet is just fine how it is, thanks. 

And while I’d like to throw out this term for all eternity, I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up the fact that it does raise a broader question.  Are there such things as “mom jobs”?  Jobs that are more conducive to motherhood?

My friend and I were actually discussing this the other day as we were lamenting the pros and cons of working motherhood.  She works in advertising, I’m in communications and we both feel that if we left the working world now only to reenter when our kids were in school, we’d be out of touch with our profession.  In the agency world, there’s no such thing as telling your prospective client your last work assignment was, well, five years ago. Trends change and if you can’t speak to a recent assignment, you become a little irrelevant. 

So I ask you, dear readers, do you agree?  Do you have a “mom’s job”? If so, is your closet any cleaner?  I hope not.

Tags: Elizabeth Hasselbeck, working mom, celebrity mom, The View

I read an interesting article this week in USA Today, branding a new set of moms - Alpha Moms.  According to the article, Alpha moms are:

…educated, tech-savvy, Type A moms with a common goal: mommy excellence. She may or may not work outside the home, but at home, she views motherhood as a job that can be mastered with diligent research. She’s also wired — online 87 minutes a day…

In addition, 

An Alpha Mom typically has money to spend, and — key for marketers — she is, as the label implies, a leader of the pack who influences how other moms spend.

Ok… so I get it… marketers liked the “buzz name” for a certain type of mom and now will do anything to get that mom to use her superpowers to get her and her friends to try and buy certain products.  Makes sense to me.  Hell, I work in PR.

Problem is, I don’t quite fit into the Alpha mom genre (I may be Type A, but I’m not deluded enough to think motherhood could be mastered), nor the yoga mom genre (these moms don’t buy their kids anything and that is NOT fun), nor the Beta mom label (I like my house to be a little neater, sorry!) and so I’m left wondering, where’s my group?  Since it doesn’t quite exist, I’m creating a new label for moms, or, well, me. (Haven’t you noticed how selfish I am yet?)  The name? Delta Mom.  A Delta Mom is fickle about products she buys, a chronic plan-canceler (there’s always something else she HAS to do), a half-listener about advice she’s given (she really only listens to herself), and always changing her mind about what makes sense for her her baby.  Read on and see if you are a Delta Mom too.  I could really use some friends.*

Characteristics of a Delta Mom:

• Doesn’t really care what brand of diapers to buy as long as they don’t leak pee-pee all over the floor. Occasional diaper rash is acceptable.
• Buys the cheapest bath products she can find as long as they remove the crusty-formula residue build-up behind the ears.  No, we don’t believe in internet rumors!
• But, she IS on the internet at least 90 minutes a day researching things to buy - like a great pair of heels she can wear to work. Or the park.
• Will tell her NMF that she’ll meet to help pick her out a new stroller, only to reschedule at the last minute due to an unforseen long return line at Target.
• Makes a home-cooked meal every night.  As long as it comes from Trader Joe’s (as good as home cooked my home cooking.)
• Compulsively buys her son toys but chooses them by how well they match the decor of her house and how low she can turn the volume down. (Teaching second-language skills is optional.)
• Knows the details of all her favorite TV shows, but has no clue what time her husband came home from work.
• Tunes out medicinal advice from anyone unless they have a D.R., D.O, or R.N. in their name.  We are very, very neurotic about meds.
• Knows deep down she really needs to baby-proof her house (all her friends have told her she should), but can’t bring herself to put up ugly accessories all over her painted wood cabinets. *Sigh*
• Realizes that it’s not worth it to be the leader of the pack.  It’s much easier to let another mom test things out and tell you how not to do it.

Delta Moms, I know you’re out there, just waiting to be marketed to.

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* Full disclosure, and PLEASE don’t laugh, I was a member of the Delta Delta Delta sorority back in the day. Waaaay back. I put this at the end so you wouldn’t stop reading my post on account of my stupid college mistakes.

Tags: Alpha mom, Beta mom, yoga mom, marketing to moms

When the New York Times dissed Gwen Stefani’s latest album, I came to her defense (the “new mom brain” excuse, if you care.) Well, last night’s episode of American Idol proved me right.  Not only did Gwen look fab, but her rocking performance proved that faux-hawks are out and fo-real working moms are in (ok, that was bad, I admit it.)

Oh Gwen! You are such a fabulous working mama!

The best part? When discussing her upcoming tour, guess who Gwen said she is bringing along? No doubt - her son Kingston.  Love it!  But I’m a little jealous too - don’t we all wish we could bring our kids to work every day? (Maybe, maybe not, but unfortunately, we have to wait until April 26 like the rest of the regular working stiffs to do that.)

Hollaback Girls.

Tags: Gwen Stefani, American Idol, celebrity moms, celebrity working moms

They say that skills you use at home being a mother translate well into the workplace.  I’m in even more agreement with this fact in light of my business trip this week.  A business trip which actually required me to speak on camera in front of a live audience.  I should add it was an audience viewing my presentation over the web, but nonetheless I was sitting in front of lights, a camera and some dude who was giving me hand signals and cues while I spoke (and not the “hey can I buy you a drink?” kind.)  To make matters worse, there were people who actually dialed into this “videocast” to watch me live.  Sounds like great entertainment.

Anyway, we all know now how much I hate cameras, so I was totally sweating this trip. I mean literally sweating.  It was 75 degrees when I left Chicago yesterday and I made the mistake of getting my favorite Starbucks extra-hot chai latte drink for the cab ride.  I was a drowned rat before I even made it to my destination.

But I had to get my sweaty-self geared up to make a presentation.  Meaning I had to memorize my talking points so I wouldn’t look like a total moron on camera.  With mom-brain, this is no easy feat.  I can barely remember what I did last week, let alone try to sound articulate about a business issue.

Believe it or not, though, part of my new mommy routine actually helped me out during the taping. What could do that, you ask? Well, over the past 11 months, I’ve gotten really really really good at saying the same things over and over again to my son in the hopes that somehow, one day, he’ll say the word back to me.  I’ve become the master of talking aloud to no one in particular. A master of repetition.

My mastery in the art of repetition really started in earnest about 2 months ago when he started babbling away. Hearing the sound “da” was like music to my ears.  Maybe “daddy” could be next! “Ba” was even better. “Bottle? Can you say bottle to mama?” Over and over again I would stare into his face and repeat these words, sayings, sentences in foreign languages and phrases until I was out of breath and he was more interested in the plastic ball he was holding than my incessant babble.  And you thought babies were the ones who spoke nonsense.  Who are you kidding?

This constant repetition and praise have not translated into anything material yet, unless you consider “ga” to mean waffle, maraca shaker and train.  But, it taught me a valuable tool I can bring to the workplace.  Practing talking points for a presentation is a lot like trying to teach your kid how to speak.  You can recite the same thing out loud over and over again to no one in particular, and you don’t really need anyone to respond back.  It’s a beautiful thing.

Fast forward to me last night at dinner. By myself at the hotel restaurant, I brought my notes to look at while I recited my lines.  Over onion soup au gratin and a nice panzanella salad, I babbled my way through dinner.  I ignored the stares from the waitress and the table next to me as I extolled the virtues of an intranet site.  What did I care? I was teaching myself how to talk PowerPoint.

And how did the taping go?  Success! All is well in the world. I’m now back in Chicago and I hope I don’t have to go on camera for a long, long time.

Now, if only I can get my son to say “mama.”

Tags: power point, business travel

I don’t really have the energy to right now, (I’m on another business trip, I know lame excuse) but I find the discussion on today’s Wall Street Journal “The Juggle” blog about a recent NIH study fascinating.

It’s also easy for me to abstain from the discussion because you all know I employ a nanny and love how neat my house is her.  Having a nanny was the option I felt most comfortable with and it suited our random-work-hours-hectic-travel schedule the best.  Of course it doesn’t hurt that she cleans a pantry and fridge to perfection.  I dare you to show me a day care that’ll do that! So what if my son doesn’t have 10 words by age 5?  He’ll figure it out and I’ll be able to find my ketchup. (Relax.  I’m just kidding.  All I really care about finding is the peanut butter.)

No, but seriously, I’d love to hear where you stand on the issue.  Maybe I’ll feel up to debating it tomorrow when my presentation is over.

Tags: day care, child care, nanny, NIH study, The Juggle

Celebrity working mom, Kelly Ripa, in last week’s issue of Us Weekly:

I’m lucky to have my job, but it has never been the central nervous system of my life. My husband and children and parents are.

I like Kelly Ripa and all - but seriously - how can she co-host a daily talk show, star in a sitcom (I know Hope & Faith is off the air, but still) have time to look THAT good and say her job is not the central nervous system of her life?

Ms. Ripa - I don’t buy it.  I need a little dose of reality.  Like you hit up the surgeon for a “little tuck” after baby number three because you had to go on the air four weeks later.  Or that you forgot your hubby’s birthday because you worked late.  Or something.  Otherwise, I will be forced to hate you and will have no other choice but to watch Martha Stewart instead.  And I don’t want that.

Tags: Kelly Ripa, celebrity moms, working mom

My vacation is ending, and my time in the mountains has taught me a new skill: traffic cop.  Looking back at what was supposed to be the perfect, no-worry vacation, was more like a long lesson in how to direct honking vehicles on a crowded highway.

It’s not that I wasn’t without help.  Those in line to pitch in were my nanny, my husband, my mom and dad (”we’re here to help!” “we want you to relax!”) and brother (also known as the uncle who can rile my son up right before he’s supposed to go to sleep.)  Yes, those of you with your jaws dropped right now, I “vacationed” with my whole family.

There were lots of extra helpful hands to change diapers (I think I changed 2 all week), feed junior and play “roll the ball” with him until his hands were bruised.  The problem then? I had to coordinate family traffic - otherwise known as - how can we maximize the little time we have (mind you, I’ve been here for a week) to spend with our grandson/nephew/son?

This whole “scheduling thing” is probably my fault. Because I’m so anal, I wanted to make sure “everyone had a good time.” So, with the masses lined up and fuel tanks burning off gas with every minute of stalled traffic, I found myself directing the every moves of all my son’s awake hours.  A glimpse of my self-imposed madness:

6:15 am: Rise and shine - no one wanted this shift, so me and DH got up most days. Nanny saved us on a few.

7:30 am: Mom and Dad? You want junior? Great I’ll bring him downstairs then.

8:00 am: Breakfast time - Mom, you can feed him. Nanny can you prepare the meal? No, I don’t care what he eats.

8:45 am: Nap time - You guys duke this one out, I’m going back to sleep for an hour.

10:10 am: The monitor lights start flashing. Who wants to get junior out of bed, hubby? Okay, great, it’s your turn.

[11 am - 4 pm: Ski break! Woo-hoo! Freedom from baby traffic diversion.]

4:30 pm - Snack time, Mom, you on this? I want to take a jacuzzi.

5:30 pm - Brother, I swear to god, if you throw him around after eating and he pukes, you’re cleaning it up.

6:00 pm - Bath time - Hubby always gets stuck with bathtime.

6:45 pm - Bed time - Raise your hands if you want to put junior to bed. Dad? You up for it? You will have to read him 5 books, you know.  Okay, great.

7:00 pm - I’m off duty.

Guess who relaxed the most? You guessed it, the nanny.  Oh boy, I can’t WAIT to go back to work on Monday.  Peace and quiet.  Oh, I forgot, I have to get on a plane for a meeting.  Maybe vacation isn’t so bad after all.

That is until I watched the Today show this morning.  Apparently, I missed the big news yesterday (I’m blaming it on vacation-brain) that moms are spending more time with their kids today than they did 40 years ago (10.2 hours a week in 1965 vs. 14.1 today.) 

And working moms of the world are now breathing a sigh of relief that they aren’t ruining their kids’ futures by leaving them with a nanny, in day care, or with their fathers for the other 153.9 hours of the week. Right? (Did I do the math correctly? Remember, I’m match challenged.)

Wrong. Why?

Because moms and non-moms of all kinds are perpetuating such discussions that give guidelines to mothers how they should parent, manage their household, spend time with their partners and take time for themselves.  I’m sorry, but mothers don’t fit into a little blue box tied with a bow. Or, at least this mother doesn’t (even though I love little blue boxes.)

Maybe I’m feeling irked by this topic because of the commentary by the guests on the Today show this morning.  I’m sure the therapists the show found to comment on “mommy guilt” are smart, educated women, but if someone else tells me how to “structure my time at home” with a smile and fun tips, I’m going to lose it.  I guess I could have tuned out when the one therapist started telling a story about an anonymous patient of hers (whether or not that was appropriate was a whole different issue), but I knew it’d make for a good blog topic (at least I’m transparent.)

In all seriousness, though, are there mothers out there writing down notes on how to avoid guilt? Or does the media just think that this is a good topic for their target audience?  I’m not sure, but I’m starting to wish that moms (I believe the author of the study is a mom herself) would stop talking about mom guilt. Because the more we talk about how to avoid the guilt, the guiltier we feel, and by then, we’ve wasted the precious little quality time we actually have with our kids because we’re too worried about how not to feel guilty.

It’s worse than my Jewish mother yelling at me because I didn’t cook a ”home-cooked meal” for my husband.  Oy gevalt. 

On that note - somebody please talk to me about this. I’m starting to feel lonely, and I know you’re out there, somewhere.  Do you feel guilty yet?

Tags: mommy guilt, work-life balance  

I’m on vacation again, and I’m hoping it will be a little more relaxing instead of just “moving the routine somewhere else” (as my friend BusyMom put it.)  This time around, I took some action to ensure I get a little more R&R (in my new post-baby world, this stands for Reading & Restaurants.) - I brought my nanny along for the trip.

I am assuming that right now some of you readers are sitting horrified in your seats at my primadonna-like behavior.  I, too, never thought I’d be the kind of mom who’d take a nanny along on a vacation. People who take nannies on vacation scream bratty-lazy-filthy-rich-bitchy to me. But we are on a ski trip, and since junior isn’t old enough to ski, go to day care (they must be potty trained), and since it’s probably not safe to ski with him in the Baby Bjorn, the nanny was the next-best option.

We weighed the option of hiring a sitter at our destination and my ever-rational hubby did do a cost/benefit analysis for us (I’m math challenged) to figure out if it really made sense to pay for another mouth to feed.  But junior’s old enough now to know the difference (between me, the nanny and a crazy mountain lion) and it didn’t feel right to leave him in the Rockies with a complete stranger/ potential ax-murderer. (I’m a little neurotic, ok?)

So here we are, on vacation, nanny in tow. The problem is, I’m too worried about whether or not she’s having a good time to relax on my own.  For instance, on the plane on the way here, guess who got to sleep on the plane? Not me nor my husband.  My nanny looked refreshed and ready to go as soon as we touched down.  Me, on the other hand? I looked like I had just spent two and-a-half hours on a plane with a 11-month old. I’m sure you can picture it.

And who got to sleep in this morning? Not me. Let’s put it this way - junior’s a good kid, but he still thinks we’re in Chicago - and it’s an hour earlier than Colorado.

But getting up early and not sleeping on the plane are a small price to pay for having a built-in babysitter so I can get some good turns in.  Trust me, I realize this. So no complaints.  As I’ve said before, it’s a mother’s job to make sure her nanny’s happy, and I will do my best to ensure she has a good time too. Hell, she has to spend a week straight with me.  The view below from where I’m blogging also helps.

Don’t worry, though, I’ll write more soon.  Assuming I get a break.

Tags: nanny diary, child care